“Hey, 5Ks are a big accomplishment. According to Mae, I have a ‘weak lung capacity.’ I’m inclined to believe her based on experience,” I laugh.
Danny smiles affectionately. “I remember her saying that. Mae’s probably the bluntest person I know, besides you.”
I nod absentmindedly and yo-yo between wanting to tell him the news and waiting to tell him the news. I ultimately decide that it’s not the right time.
“Other than 5Ks, I watch a ton of baseball games in the offseason with friends. I still enjoy action movies.” Danny pauses for a moment, but his gaze rests on me. “And, um, I also go to therapy.”
My hand flies to my mouth, covering my jaw drop. He was always a firm believer in working through his shit himself. He stopped having panic attacks entirely when we started dating, so he considered himself cured. I mostly kept my thoughts to myself at the time, but I’d always felt he’d benefit from therapy. “That’s amazing, Danny.”
“Yeah, well. About five years ago, I realized I was using some really bad coping strategies to deal with my anxiety. After Tessa saw some pictures of me at a nightclub, she told me my behavior was ‘cringe’ and I needed to ‘get my ass to therapy.’”
I laugh, imagining Tessa’s personality now.
“It’s been really good,” he adds. “After working through some stuff, I feel ready for bigger things in my life.”
“You should be proud of yourself.” I anxiously twirl one of my curls.
Should I share some of my truth, too?Part of me feels like being vulnerable with him might help, but the other part worries that continuing this conversation might make things worse. Yet Dannyisbeing open with me, and I think it’s only fair to reciprocate.
“I don’t see a therapist anymore, but I did see the on-campus counselor all four years at Easton.”
He looks thoughtful, no doubt wondering about the timing. In a slightly higher pitched voice, he says, “I don’t remember you seeing a therapist freshman year, actually. When did you start seeing them?”
“Um, a few weeks after we separated.”
He frowns. “Were you…okay, Gracie? After I left Easton?”
I consider how much I want to divulge at this point. He said he wants to know everything, but I feel like this next part will cause him to feel some misplaced guilt. Therapy taught me that Danny isn’t responsible for my feelings; I’m accountable formine, and he’s accountable for his. How we cope with them is personal.
“I was fine,” I say carefully. “But, um, I started stuttering regularly for a bit afterwards.”
His initial confusion transforms into devastation before my eyes. “What…how?”
I anxiously brush non-existent dust off the chair. “Well, my therapist said that going through major life transitions, especially if they reopen feelings of trauma, can trigger old habits like stutters.”
Danny rubs a hand down his face, looking horrified. I hear his voice becoming more hoarse as he continues. “You were traumatized?”
“I mean, yeah. It was an agonizing time for me.”
He cracks his knuckles, a nervous habit for him. “You could’ve reached out. I would have…I would’ve done something.”
“Short of you taking back everything you did and me taking back everything I said, I don’t think there’s anything you could have done that would’ve made a difference.”
Are his eyes misty?He looks down quickly, and I can’t tell. It’s probably just the lighting.
“Danny, I understand now that there were things both of us could have done differently. Let’s drop this for tonight, okay? I’m going to brush my teeth, but I’ll be downstairs for a little while before bed.”
He nods, but his expression is wrought with anguish. “Whatever you want, Gracie.”
I stand up and start heading for his bedroom door, pausing mid-step when I hear his voice.
“I know you want to drop it for now, but I need you to know that I’m sorry. I didn’t fully understand the bigger picture back then.”
Standing in the doorway, I turn around. He opens his mouth to speak again, but quickly closes it with a defeated look in his eyes. “Can you promise me that we’ll talk about this later?”
“I promise you that we’ll talk about it sometime before I leave. My flight isn’t until tomorrow evening,” I say softly. “I think we’re both emotionally spent right now, and it’s been a really long day. Okay?”
“Okay, Gracie girl.”
