I even find it cute when he snaps his little band and tries to control his temper with me. He’s trying, and I don’t think I can say that about anyone else.
Sometimes I think I should be nicer to him, but I know he prefers it when I’m trying to kill him.
Yeah, he’s probably some type of undiagnosed crazy person, but I can’t help it. I trust him to keep me safe and to want me the way I’ve always needed.
However, it seems to be some reflex to never let him have complete control. He tried to be domineering and use praise, but then I replied with sarcastic comments, which seemed to shift the control aspect.
I’ve tried apologizing.
I love having sex with him—truly, he’s fantastic. Our chemistry is electric, and I’ve given in at times, but I’ve never been completely powerless, never entirely at his mercy.
Last night, we played with a knife, taunting, thrusting into one another relentlessly. It was intoxicating, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d never really given him a turn to control me.
I knew he wouldn’t stab me. I, on the other hand, have stabbed him once and attempted a second, so I’m not sure it had the desired effect.
Now, the sun hasn’t even risen and I’m back on top of him. I didn’t even realize until I heard his moans.
“Fuck,” I whimper, throwing back my head in pleasure.
Bringing his body up and into mine, Nikolai slams into me, holding my gaze.
“Sorry,” I giggle, “you can take control, I forgot.”
“Don’t ever fucking apologize for this.” He groans, grasping a fist full of my hair, yanking back. “Do you want me to try it again?”
“Yes,” I cry out. “Yes, I want to try it again.”
Because I do, I want to submit to him—at least once to see how it feels.
He flips me on my back, his large body consuming mine.
“I want to try something new,” he whispers between thrusts. “If you feel like you’re losing too much control, that means it’s working. But you can always tap out if you need to.”
A smile crosses my face. I doubt that I’ll give him the opportunity, like all the times before, my body will turn it against him and take back the control he wants, but I’ll let him try anything.
Then, in a quick movement, his hand wraps around my neck, his lips on mine, and he’s pounding into me hard, his grip tightening with each thrust.
It’s nothing but euphoria.
Then he pulls back, his grip still strong, and watches as my face adjusts to the lack of oxygen.
My hand goes to his, feeling the thick, visible veins as I claw at his skin.
My lungs contract, and I begin to feel lightheaded. I can still take in air, but everything has faded, and silence creeps up my body.
Yet, somehow, I feel strangely calm.
I know Nikolai won’t kill me, but in this position, I know he could. His other hand moves to my clit, circling me in perfect movements.
“Are you in control, malyshka?” His voice is rough, and I think the sight of me without proper blood flow is only making him harder.
“No,” I try to say, but I think I just mouth the words.
“Does it feel good? Nod your head, yes or no.”
I nod, yes.
“Do you still know the power you have over me?”
