“Him? I have to stay married to him?” Mabel points at me, as if there could be any confusion as to the ‘him’ being referred to.
“Is there an echo in here?” Trina throws her arms up in exasperation.
“But…but…why the hell does he have to move in with me? My apartment isn’t boy-friendly. It’s a girl’s apartment. It’s pretty and pink, and it’s not meant to house a boy. It’s not a suitable home for a penis!”
Of all the things to be blindsided by, a penis in her pink apartment is not the hill I would have thought Mabel capable of dying on.
“Because we’ve only got very little time until we fly to Milan, and I’m not taking any chances with either of you being photographed outside of separate homes. Or with other people. Living together will ensure that you both keep it in your pants.”
Trina gives me a pointed, accusatory look. Which, like, fair? But ouch.
“You want us to fake a marriage? Mom, you can’t make me do this.”
Melanie only tilts her head in response.
“Mom!” Mabel cries out. “You can’t do this. You can’t make me live with Ryder. You can’t make me stay married to him. We don’t even like each other. This is so fucking unfair.”
Woof. Talk about pouring salt in the wound. I guess whatever headway we made in our weird little relationship last night was flushed down the toilet with those final tequila shots before walking down the aisle. I haven’t heard Mabel’s voice sound so whiny and bratty since we were teenagers on a family trip to Europe and our parents made us pose for pictures in front of all the iconic landmarks.
God, she’s always been so adorably annoying.
Trina starts tapping her phone, not bothering to look up at Mabel as she delivers her final blow.
“You should have thought about that before you drank all the liquor in Las Vegas and asked an agingElvis impersonator to legally bind you to him in the middle of the night. There, the press release is sent. I’ll give you and your husband time to get ready.”
With that, Trina and the moms retreat from the room, and I have just enough time to grab a fistful of Mabel’s knotty hair to hold it out of her face as she turns and pukes yet again, this time on the carpet.
11
THE LAST GREAT AMERICAN DYNASTY
Can you hear the bells a-ringing? Fans of the winter and summer games alike, the famed Team USA prophecy has finally been fulfilled. That’s right, sources close toInside The Gamestell us that Ryder Finch, 7-time gold medalist and professional snowboarder, has wed fellow professional snowboarder and 5-time gold medalist, Mabel Quinn, in a private ceremony last night in Las Vegas. While videos that surfaced late last night of the two celebrating their nuptials in front of the world-famous Welcome To Las Vegas sign may have come as a shock, our sources tell us that the two young lovebirds have been quietly seeing each other for months. The pair are the son and daughter of Ramona and Robert Finch and Melanie and Marcus Quinn. Long-time fans of Team USA will remember that Ramona and Melanie wed Robert and Marcus in a double wedding after the 1996 summer games in Atlanta. In whathas been called The Last Great American Dynasty, their children followed in their parent’s athletic footsteps and have continued the Finch-Quinn legacy in the last three Winter Games.
We’re told that both sets of parents are thrilled with the match and are excited to cheer on their children at the Winter Games in Milan next month.
-Mikaela Miller, Inside The Games
12
NO FALL ZONE
MABEL
Danny
Mabel WHAT THE HELL
Tell me this isn’t real
Tell me you didn’t do what I think you did.
Bitch, answer me.
I told you to go out and have fun, not get FUCKING MARRIED.
I’m on my way back to the hotel.
Mabel
