“No.”
Smart Mikhail, he’s caught on to my theory, too.
“Then maybe your no hook up rule only applies to women. You kissed this man, and you win games.”
I nod, feverishly.
“And look,” I say, pulling out my phone and opening to my thread with Elliot. “I was having the same train of thought, so I told him XOXO before the game and made him say it back.”
“Fucking Americans. As if two letters that aren’t even in the words could represent a hug and a kiss. I do not understand your culture.”
“Shut up, Mikhail. Look, he said it back, and we fucking killed it tonight. I think you’re right. Maybe my hook up rule had nothing to do with the act of hooking up, but the people I’d been hooking up with!” I squeal, bouncing up and down in my seat.
“There you go, problem solved. Call the football boy and tell him you want to rub your X’s and O’s all over his cock, da?” He balls up his empty protein wrapper and shoves it at my chest. “And get the fuck out of my row so I can sleep before I throw you out emergency exit and watch you splatter on the earth like goo.”
Well, when the angry, murderous Russian puts it like that, it sounds almost too easy.
10
'WIENER BOY' DOESN'T HIT THE SAME
Elliot
Alex
I’m starting to feel like we’re in a long-distance relationship.
Elliot
I feel like I’m going to regret saying this but…
Tell me more.
Alex
I haven’t seen you since Thanksgiving!
Elliot
True. But we’ve texted every day. And you FaceTime me atleast twice a day.
Alex
You don’t always answer.
Elliot
Sorry Goat, the NFL has rules against cell phones on the sidelines.
Alex
I read somewhere that Joe Montana used to call his wife from the sidelines every Sunday with the team phone.
Elliot
Aww, that’s actually really romantic.
I don’t think we have those phones on the sidelines anymore, though. Even if we did, I don’t think I’d risk the wrath of Coach Mancini or Coach Cannon to make a phone call.
