Seventeen
July 5, Sunday
Enoch
My heart pounded in my ears as I stared at my closed bedroom door. I could hear Jae in the kitchen, probably making coffee or breakfast. I was sweating and checked that I was wearing deodorant.Just get it over with, Nox.
I took a deep breath, pulling my door open and walked into the kitchen.
“Morning,” he called out over his shoulder. Jae did a double take, his body fully turning as he intensely scanned my body.
“What’s wrong?”
Damn his ability to read me.
I swallowed and he nodded slowly. I knew what he was thinking, and it hurt to see the disappointment in his expression.
“I didn’t drink.”
Jae’s mouth opened and shut. He blinked several times, and I could see the relief as his shoulders sagged. Jae leaned against the counter and crossed his arms.
“Okay. And if you did, we would have gotten through it together.” His proclamation was firm, and I smiled softly at his loyalty.
“Thank you. But, um, as you know,” I cleared my throat, the anxiety and shame swirling in my gut, “honesty is, like, the cornerstone of AA.” Jae’s eyes narrowed, unsure as to where I was going with this. “And, yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I thought about actually doing it.”
Jae licked his lips, nodding. “But you didn’t?”
I shook my head. “Called Rick and went to a meeting.”
Jae took a deep breath and smiled, “Good. Thank you for being honest with me. I, um, I’m assuming this has to do with Shiloh?”
I tensed, worried he was going to lecture me again about how she was bad for my sobriety.
“It was a lot for me, too. Hearing everything she went through. Trust me. I…I cried again as soon as I left you guys upstairs last night. I couldn’t fall asleep until after two.”
My face softened with sympathy, and I stepped into the kitchen. I pulled him into an embrace and relaxed as his arms clapped around my back.
“I’m proud of you for not drinking,” he said against my shoulder.
“Thanks,” I mumbled. “I just feel so…inadequate. Like, I can’t help her. You know? There’s nothing I can do to protect her. And it-it fucking sucks, bro.”
Jae squeezed me tighter, “I know. I wish we could go back in time. I just keep thinking about what we could have done differently. Like, if we had figured it out, or if she had said something…Maybe your dad could have helped. I don’t know, we could’ve smuggled her out or something, sent her to live back East with Baba.”
“If my dad had intervened…I think, as shitty as it is, I think she really did protect us. We could’ve been killed. We could still be in danger.”
Jae pulled back, holding me at arm’s length by my shoulders.
“So, you finally understand why I was freaking out?”
I nodded, swallowing as yesterday played out in my mind again.
“She has a gun, Jae.”
His eyes widened as he stared at me.
“Like, agungun? Like a real weapon? With bullets and everything?”
“Yes. A Glock, with real bullets, that she keeps in her nightstand.”
