Just stop.
But that fucking touch. I couldn’t get rid of it. It was permanently there, lingering like a memento of him every second of the rest of my life.
I couldn’t resist any longer. I ripped off my sweatshirt and pressed my palm over the skin of my shoulder.
Please, God. Make it stop.
I waited one more second to see if maybe God would answer my prayer before silently screaming and digging my nails into my flesh. I pretended I could actually remove the skin, cut off the nerve endings that were causing all the agony. But it was all in my head. And hurting myself wasn’t going to change that fact. It was only a momentary distraction. A second of reprieve to try and get my mind right.
The doorknob wiggled but held firm against the lock.
“Shiloh, please open the door. I need to know you’re okay.”
I shuddered through a deep breath.
“I just need a minute,” I called out as I removed my fingers from my skin and threw my hoodie back on. I took another breath.
Please God, I can’t take any more of this.
Jae’s muffled voice joined Enoch’s on the other side of the door.
“Shiloh, open the door right now or I’m going to kick it open.”
There was panic in Enoch’s voice, his threat sincere. I unlocked the door, turning away from him to pat my face dry on the towel hanging on the wall.
He stepped into the bathroom, his presence filling up the doorway and I knew he was staring me down.
“Did you hurt yourself?”
I cringed at the question, my shoulder throbbing like it could personally call out to him as evidence of my self-abuse. I shook my head, finally turning to face him. He studied my face before letting his eyes track down the length of my body. Enoch grabbed my hands and inspected them, but I hadn’t broken skin. He wouldn’t find any evidence this time.
“What happened? What did I do wrong?” he asked, letting me pull my hands from his grasp.
I didn’t want to lie, but I didn’t want to have to explain myself either. I hated that I had barely scratched the surface of the well of secrets inside of my head.
“You don’t have to explain it. I just want to know what I did so I don’t do it again.” He spoke softly, and my chest ached.
“My shoulder,” I muttered, fidgeting with the cuff of my sleeve.
“When I was rubbing it, or how my arm was around your shoulders?”
I pressed my lips together, trying to ease the discomfort. “When you were,” I moved my fingers, “fidgeting or whatever you were doing.”
Enoch nodded his head like we weren’t talking about the fact that I just had a mini-panic attack over him touching me.
“Okay,” he said with a gentle smile. “Won’t happen again.”
He looked around the bathroom, no doubt looking for some evidence of what exactly I was doing in here, before raising his brow.
“Can we go back to the living room?”
I closed my eyes briefly before meeting his gaze and nodding.
I realized as I followed behind him that my breathing had returned to normal and I’d managed to successfully avoid a full meltdown.
Thank you, God.
Jae was waiting in the living room, and I avoided his stare as I returned to my seat on the couch.
