The cold air and the scent of her oil diffuser was making me want to walk right back out, but she had a damn bell on her door, and she walked into her waiting area the second it rang out my entrance.
“Emory,” Sarah said on an exhale, with a smile. “I’m so happy you’re here. Come in.”
I let out a sigh of my own, clutching my keys in my fist, debating turning on my heel. She swept her arm out in a motion for me to step into her office, and I caved.
I am not weak.
I repeated the mantra as I stepped inside, the smell even stronger, and plopped down onto the couch. I grabbed a pillow, hugging it to my chest, and waited for her to sit down opposite me in her armchair.
“So, I take it you’re officially staying in Anchorage?” she asked with a small smile, her legs crossing as she adjusted her position in her seat.
“Sort of.”
“What does that mean?”
I rolled my eyes, not bothering to do it subtly. “It means I’m officially fucked if my past tries to murder me because I’m out of Bradley’s hair. And I still haven’t decided if I’m actually going to stick around for that to happen. I…”
She nodded, her gaze lingering on my face like she always did when she wanted me to keep talking. I swear her eyes always made me spill without my consent.
She nodded again, the hush of her sound machine outside the door filling the silence.
“I’m scared.”
She hummed in sympathy. “I can imagine it would be scary with all the changes that are happening.”
I rolled my eyes again.Why the fuck am I here again?
“No, I’m just a coward who’d rather disappear permanently than apologize.”
“So, you still think you should commit suicide?”
“No more than usual,” I mumbled.
“And what does that mean?”
“It means, I haven’t killed myself yet, and I don’t have any plans to do so in the next hour. But who knows? The day isn’t over yet.”
She chuckled softly and nodded. “Good. Why don’t we talk about what exactly you’re afraid of? Who do you need to apologize to?”
I sighed, leaning back into the couch as I focused on twirling the tassel around my finger. A tense minute of finding some courage passed. “Enoch.”
“And why is that scary?”
I chewed my lip, trying to find the words and push them out of my mouth. It always felt like trying to talk underwater when I met with Sarah. Unnatural. Like I wasn’t supposed to be sharing myself with her, with anyone really.
“Because of what will happen when Enoch finds out what I did.”
She hummed again and I clenched my jaw. Her nonverbal responses made me believe she was mentally rolling her eyes at me. Like she didn’t have any words to give me because I was pathetic.
“You think he’ll judge you?”
I shrugged. “He always says his feelings will never change for me, no matter what. But there has to be a line. Right? Like, there has to be a line that I could cross at some point to stop deserving him. And I know I already crossed that line. He just doesn’t know it. And when he finds out, it’s going to crush him all over again and I don’t know if I can take the guilt. If I can takehurting him again. At what point do I just give up? Is clearing my conscience selfish when being honest might hurt him worse than leaving him to believe the lies?”
The silence dragged on, and I finally looked up to find her already looking at me. I huffed.
“You’re catastrophizing," she said plainly.
I narrowed my eyes. “It’s not unrealistic to think that he would be upset to know he fell in love with someone who’s committed multiple felonies.”
