“Sort of. My…well, Bradley, the deputy who came to see you, he gave me a few options and I choose this one. I had remembered you speaking about how much you loved Alaska.”
He smiled sadly and my heart skipped a beat. We were dancing around this awkward tension in the room. Neither of us addressing the real questions he was probably dying to ask. I was annoyed yet relieved he hadn’t.
“How’s, um, the Air Force?”
“Yeah. It’s been good. I was in Florida before here, which was different. I don’t think I’m really a beach person, but it was alright.”
I nodded. The silence lulled between us, and I kept my gaze anywhere but his face.Fuck. This is painfully awkward.
“You can just say it,” I finally said, meeting his brown eyes. He raised a brow in confusion, so I elaborated. “Whatever it is you’re trying to avoid asking.”
He bit down on his bottom lip and adjusted his position on the couch.
“I’ve got a lot of questions. But I don’t want to overwhelm you. I guess…I guess the most important one is if you’re happy and safe.”
My brows bunched, not sure why he wasn’t accosting me with more pressing things, like what happened, what I did, why I left, if I regretted it…
“Um, yeah. I guess so.”
His stare pinned me with an intensity that told me he knew I was lying. I swallowed the saliva pooling in my mouth and wished I had brought my soda with me to the couch.
“So, you’re working at that climbing place?” he asked, shifting gears, like I was a bomb he was defusing.
“Yeah.”
“You like it? I don’t remember you ever mentioning an interest in rock climbing.”
“I, uh, didn’t have one until I got the job. But, yeah, now I really like it. Like the adrenaline rush of being so high off the ground. But, uh, I’m the manager of client services, so I’m not exactly climbing during work hours. Unless someone forgets to clip the belay.”
He nodded and I could see the memory of the day flashing over his face. I cringed, the guilt a stab in the gut as I too remembered his desperation and brokenness.
“The other day…” I stumbled to find the right words. “I mean, I was shocked, and I couldn’t risk exposing myself like that in front of all those people. Never—Ineverthought I’d get the chance to see you again, Enoch.”
I could see that he was blinking away tears, and it only tore me further apart. I longed to take that hurt away. Swallow it whole. Let it burn inside me instead.
“You’re right,” I continued, “that this is a gift. To be able to give you closure. One I don’t deserve. But you do. Which is why I’m here. I want to answer any of your questions. Anything you need to find peace with what I did. It was…I know I hurt you. Badly.”
His lips twitched with an almost smile.
“Living in the past isn’t going to change our present.”
I sagged with defeat. I knew there was nothing I could do to change the present. I had just hoped that I could repair what I’d broken. But obviously, I couldn’t.
“I want to know your past, Shiloh. I want to know why you hid so much of yourself from me. I want to know why I didn’t get the chance to help you. Why you never asked for help. What would have happened if you had told me then what you’ve yet to share now. But the what-ifs and the whys don’t matter. What matters is that we’re both here now. And I don’t want you to carry around the guilt I can see you’re holding onto.”
I shook my head, but he reached for me on the couch. I moved my leg away. His lips thinned and I ground my teeth together.
“So, don’t, Emory.” He paused, my new name unfamiliar to him and somehow wrong leaving his lips. “I forgive you regardless of whether you explain it all to me. Don’t relive thatpast if you’re not planning to live in the present and stay for the future.”
But I wasn’t planning to stay for the future. I couldn’t imagine one beyond giving Enoch every last secret he asked of me. I couldn’t envision a reality in which I gave him the pieces of me he wanted and I still wanted to keep existing.
My jaw clenched and I stared at him. I wanted to argue with him. Scream at him that he was wrong. That they did matter. That my choices hurt everyone I loved. That the whys made me the fucked-up person I was today. That I didn’t deserve his forgiveness or his patience or…him.
He wouldn’t forgive me if he knew the deplorable things that I’d done. And I needed to get this over with. I would…just…my cowardice was winning. His presence was already drawing me back in, making me want to be selfish, making me want to say‘fuck it all, damn the risks and consequences, this is my last fucking life, and I want to spend it being looked at like I’m the only thing in this world that matters’.
Enoch shifted closer to me and his hand landed on top of mine, stilling my fingers that had been digging crescents through my jeans into the road rash on the outside of my knee.
“Shi—sorry,Emory, I forgive you. Okay? I. Forgive. You.” He implored with a heavy gaze.
