“Can I not scroll social media?” I asked dryly as I looked up from my phone. Jae rolled his eyes from the other side of the kitchen island.
“I’m allowed to be concerned for your wellbeing. You were acting out of your damn mind. You scared the shit out of me. Freaking hell, man. Cut me some slack here.”
I sighed, locking my phone and setting it down on the counter.
“I get it. Okay? It was a low moment, but you can’t blame me for thinking I was hallucinating…or worse. You couldn’t believe it either, even when the deputy was telling you I wasn’t crazy, and Ihadseen Shiloh.”
Jae rolled his eyes again and focused his gaze back on the plate of food he was preparing himself.
“I don’t think getting involved with her is a good idea. And neither does Rick. Hell, even the damn deputy told you to stay away from her.”
“So, you’ve all said.Repeatedly.”
“And I don’t think you’re thinking through the consequences of when she leaves unannounced,” he shrugged, piling some chicken onto his plate that he’d just grilled on the deck.
“And what makes you think she’d just leave without saying goodbye?”
“Because I don’t trust her. We don’t even know this person. We were friends for a few months almost five years ago. And she seemed pretty damn content to just leave you in the dust after your breakdown. She could have just told you then and there, but she chose to let you believe you were crazy. And then, you were practically begging this girl to even consider speaking to you. So, yeah, I think she will leave again. AndI’mgoing to be the one to pick up the pieces when she’s gone.”
I shook my head, not wanting to argue the same point over and over again. If he wanted to hold a grudge against her, that was his prerogative. It wasn’t going to stop me from meeting up with her this evening. I’d given her our address because I wasn’t sure how the whole ‘keeping her identity a secret’ worked. I didn’t know if we were allowed to be seen together in public or if I was being dramatic.
When I had asked Shiloh to come over for dinner tonight, I wasn’t thinking about Jae’s feelings or how he would react when she showed up. I was just over-the-fucking-moon that she had agreed to see me at all. Because, yeah, maybe I did have to beg a little to get her to want to talk to me, but unlike Jae, I did still know her. And I knew that she wasn’t going to make this easy. Not when she had said herself she was just trying to protect us.
And knowing that she was leaving again. I sweating just thinking about it.
Today, it was my fucking mission to get her to see how good this could be. How staying here was an option, the best one, because not only would we not jeopardize her safety, I’d also be the best friend she could ever ask for. And, eventually, if it worked out the way that I wanted, we’d become more one day.
I just needed to be patient. Have a little faith that God’s plan wasn’t just to give us a proper goodbye, but a second chance at forever.
“She’s coming here in a couple of hours, by the way.”
The metal tongs clattered against the counter, and he blinked up at me.
“Great. Well, I’ll just be holed up downstairs then,” he muttered with annoyance.
His bad attitude was getting on my nerves, and I didn’t want it to affect my mood, so I went to the fridge to start preparing our dinner.
I used the counter opposite Jae and set out my chopping board and a knife. I grabbed the bag of potatoes from the pantry and got to work. My mind was still buzzing in circles trying to accept my new reality. I tried to shake off the unease that still lingered, the fear that I’d be shaken from this dream at any moment.
Jae took up a spot at the island that doubled as our kitchen table, and I could feel his eyes on my back. I sighed, pulling myearbuds from my pocket, and let music drown out his negativity as I focused on chopping.
I knew that Jae’s anger was just love and concern for me. I knew that it had been difficult for him to see me at my worst, but I wished that he had a little bit more respect for my choices. Shiloh wasn’t a bad person and whether or not she was in my life, she wouldn’t be the one at fault if I decided to pick up a bottle of beer. That would be all on me.
The shame that I had let myself develop a problematic relationship with alcohol was enough for me to never want to taste another drop of it. I couldn’t bear the thought of Shiloh knowing that I had let myself get so low. Let myself succumb to depression and immaturity. Let myself be so world-shatteringly struck down by her death that I’d rather drown in blackout-drunk waters than live in a world where I let someone I loved believe they had to permanently disappear.
And now…knowing that she hadn’t actually taken her own life. I was still reeling. Still struggling to comprehend the relief I felt, the weight of guilt that had crushed me for years suddenly lifted.
Protection. That’s what she said was her reason for leaving us to believe she’d died. She’d always valued others’ wellbeing over her own. I prayed that in the last five years she had finally realized that she deserved to be safe and happy as much as she had hoped I would be one day.
Was she happy now? Was she living life to its fullest? Was I just another memory, fading and blurry at the edges?
Or had she held onto me like I had to her?
There were so many answers I wanted. But I had no clue what she was going to be willing to share. It had always been that way—like pulling teeth just to get a fraction of the truth. Would I ever be able to get her to finally spill all her secrets?
Nine
June 27, Saturday
