As I signed all forty pages, I kept replaying Enoch’s voice in my head, asking me to stay, telling me he wanted to get to know me, pleading for me to give him a chance.
Everything felt like a fucking nightmare I couldn’t wake up from.
I managed to curl up in a ball, my body drained and still incredibly sore from the accident, and I stared at the loaded gun on the coffee table.
Freedom. I had freedom for the first time in my life, and I was frozen.
Why did I have to run into him? Why did he have to show up back in my life? Why did I promise to see him again one last time?
Had I not been tortured enough? Hadhenot been tortured enough?
God, why are you doing this? I just want things to be over. I want this to end.
My phone began buzzing against the table and my muscles locked.Fuck. Is he calling me again?
I grabbed my phone and deflated against the couch when I saw it was Lottie.
I watched as the call went to voicemail. Only a moment passed before she was calling again.
I sighed, reluctantly answering the call.
“Hey.”
“Well, I was going to ask how you’re doing, but I don’t need to after that.”
I internally screamed, closing my eyes. “What’s up?”
“Nothing. Just wanted to check in. You never responded to my texts. I didn’t get to see you today and I’m worried about you.”
I could hear clanging in the background.
“Where are you?”
“Huh? At home. Sorry, was just loading the dishwasher. Now, don’t avoid the question. Do you want me to come stay with you?”
“No, Lot. I’m good.”
“Why don’t you come here. We can kick Mason to the guest bedroom and just have a girl’s night. We can rewatch Arcane. I’ve got ice cream sandwiches in the freezer. You don’t have to open tomorrow so we can stay up late if you want to. Or just cuddle and go to sleep. Come on, Em, let me be there for you.”
I pursed my lips, afraid of disappointing my friend. I didn’t really want to be around anyone, but I was also afraid of what I might do if I was left alone. Afraid I might break my promise to Enoch and pull the trigger, consequences be damned. After all, I wouldn’t be around this time to witness any of the aftermath.
An image of Lottie having to identify my dead body in a morgue flashed in my mind and pulled the phone away to silently scream into my fist.
Fuck. I can’t do that to her. She’s got the most gentle soul. I’ll have to come up with a story. Say I’m moving away, and then I’ll do it somewhere no one will be looking for me. Up in the mountains maybe?
“Em? You there?”
I swallowed, yanking at my hair, only to remember it was currently tied back to hide the bird’s nest in the back.
Fucking fine. I won’t die tonight, God.
“Do you think you can help me with my hair?” I mumbled, forcing the words out past the weight of shame crushing my chest.
Lottie let out a sad sigh, knowing exactly what I meant. This wasn’t the first time my friends had saved me from drowning during a depressive episode.
“Definitely. I’ll come pick you up now.”
I let the phone balance against my cheek as I hugged my knees closer to my chest. It was weak and embarrassing to admit that I needed someone. That I wasn’t even strong enough to take the easiest way out, a bullet through the brain.
