“This is his greatest weapon.”
I blinked, startled by Rick’s interruption and Enoch looked over his shoulder at him.
“Doubt. Satan feeds on it, knowing that’s it is so easy for us to question our worth and our own decisions. We ruminate and ruminate and ruminate. Until we’re stuck in this negative feedback loop where we’re convinced that we are undeserving, unlovable, unworthy…”
Rick trailed off and I dropped my hands from my hair. The tension left Enoch’s body as he looked back at me, studying my posture.
“As humans we get caught up in the why and how because we cannot comprehend God’s love for us. When all that matters is the simple truth that He does. And He’s proven it to us over and over and over again.You’re the most precious thing in God’s eyes. He sent his Son to die foryou. Of course you matter. Of course He loves you. Even in all the horrible awful messed upmoments that the world throws at us, we must not doubt that God is still there, that He still loves us, that He still wants what is best for us. Be angry with Him, fine, but don’t let doubt steal your faith. Don’t let the past rob you of today. Of the good. Sixteen days is a long time to be fighting your impulses, and you can make it to seventeen if you just have a little bit of faith.”
My shoulders curved inwards as I looked between them all. I’d just ruined a perfectly good day, made it all about me, like a selfish fuckface.
The fight drained out of me as the seconds passed, and when Enoch stepped forward again, wrapping his arms around me, I didn’t flinch away or push him back. I clung to the back of his shirt, pressing my ear to his chest, and drew in a shaky breath of his familiar scent. I listened to his heart thundering in his chest as my cheeks burned with shame.
I fought the kernel of resistance in my mind as I pushed the words past my lips in a whisper. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push you.”
“Shh,” he soothed, kissing the top of my head. “It’s okay. I’m not upset.”
Another pair of arms engulfed me, and I peered out the corner of my eye to find Jae smiling down at me. I could read the sympathy on his face and I cringed.Fuck, why did I say all of that?
I realized I’d forgotten about my wet clothes as I shivered.
The voices and the images that were haunting me had disappeared, leaving behind numb exhaustion.
“I think it’s time for cake!” Jae announced, pulling away from the hug.
I sighed, wishing I could rewind and redo the last ten minutes.
“Yes, please,” Enoch said with excitement.
“I need to change,” I said, pulling out of his arms, though he didn’t actually release me, just dropped his hands to my waist.
“Okay,” he nodded. “We’ll be right back. Gonna get some dry clothes on. Feel free to finish eating.”
Enoch spun me around by my shoulders and led us to the bedroom. Once inside, I was quick to remove the wet items like they were on fire.
“Here,” Enoch said, holding out a pair of his sweatpants.
I hesitated for a half second before grabbing them and pulling them up my legs. “Thanks.”
He smiled and turned to his dresser, pulling out a shirt and handing that to me too. I slipped it on, relieved that nothing was sticking to my body anymore and took a long, deep breath.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated and he opened his mouth to say something, but I held up my hand to stop him. “No. I’m sorry that I took away from your special day. And I shouldn’t have said those things to you, any of you.”
Enoch shook his head, taking a step to close the small gap between our bodies. His hand stroked my cheek, gently sliding behind my ear, until his fingers laced through my hair and supported my neck.
“I don’t want you to ever apologize to me again for sharing with me anything about your life.”
I stared into his sincere eyes and nodded in agreement, if only to appease him because I still felt like shit for sharing with him the one secret I’d purposely withheld.
“I love you,” he said, his lips soft as they pressed against my forehead. He breathed deeply before pulling back, eyes bouncing across my face. “You want to go downstairs and spar?”
I shook my head. “No. I’m fine now.”
Enoch’s jaw ticked and he swallowed. “I don’t mind. I can send Rick home. Just because we were celebratingmedoesn’t mean I can’t focus on you too. And if you need me to distractyou, want to let out all the anger I know you have bottled up inside, then just say the word. I’m happy to do it. Really.”
I chewed my lip as I thought about it but ultimately shook my head. The desperate pull to purge the lingering shame and guilt was outweighed by my need to fix this, make this day better for Enoch and turn the attention back to him. I didn’t want to make things anymore awkward and as much as I hated the idea of going back out there and pretending like I didn’t just spill my darkest secrets, or pick up on the fact that Rick knows I’m addicted to hurting myself, I wanted Enoch to know that he was more important right now and he deserved the quality time with his closest friend and family.
Enoch nodded with a sigh and pressed a kiss to my lips before turning and grabbing another shirt from his dresser. I looked away before remembering that he was mine and I was allowed to look and watched him change his shirt.
