“Oh, hey.” His eyes bounced between me, Enoch’s back, and the room before landing back on me. “Sparring?”
I cleared my throat, my cheeks burning as I nodded. Jae was sweating, cheeks flushed, having just returned from his typical morning run.
“Alright, don’t mind me. Just gonna shower. You still coming to church, Nox?”
Enoch turned his head and gave Jae a head nod of acknowledgment before we both waited for the sound of his bedroom door to click shut.
Enoch’s hand held the back of my head as he leaned down to kiss me.
“I love you.”
My chest swelled with warmth and I nodded, kissing him back.
He leaned his forehead against mine and I wrapped my arms around his bare waist, loving the feel of his skin.
“I’m sorry for not trusting you,” he said softly, sounding guilty. “I’ve got to shower and get ready. You sure you don’t want to come?”
I sighed, reality sinking in. We’d come down here because I’d woken from a nightmare and was itching to hurt myself. Enoch heard me trying to leave the bedroom and suggested we come down to the small home gym they had set up and spar.
“No,” I said, releasing my hold on his body.
He cradled the side of my face studying me for a moment. “You okay?”
“Yeah. Of course.” Enoch held my stare. “I’m good. I’m not gonna hurt myself.”
Enoch finally nodded and I released the breath I had been holding. “You’re doing so good. I hope you’re proud of yourself. Five days. You’re so strong.”
I resisted the urge to squirm beneath his heavy gaze because part of me was a little proud. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d gone five days with self-harming.
Enoch gave me a final kiss before stepping back and grabbing his shirt from the floor.
“Come up and I’ll get you a new Band-Aid before I shower…You’re welcome to join me,” he said with a wink before turning on his heel and leaving the room.
My stomach flipped and, for half a second, I contemplated doing just that, but I shook the idea from my head. As much as I wanted that level of intimacy, craved that kind of connection with Enoch, I wasn’t ready for that much pressure.
Pressure to stay present. Pressure to keep memories of him in the past and act like this was the first time I’d had a man’s hands on my body. Like I hadn’t been worshipped and cared for, hadn’t had another man wash my hair or fuck me in the shower. Like gentle touches and soft words didn’t make my skin crawl or make me want to throw up.
I released a deep breath.
Breakfast. A much-needed distraction from the feelings I was wishing to purge once again. I made my way upstairs, determined not to slip. These feelings would pass, and I would distract myself with making us breakfast until they did.
???
When Enoch told me that he was taking me on a date, I wasn’t expecting him to request that I wear some proper outdoor clothing and shoes. It wasn’t until we were heading East towards the Chugach State Park that I realized we were likely going to go hiking.
My stomach hurt, reminded of how just a couple weeks ago I had been planning to take a one-way trip into these very mountains and never return.
The sound of his soft acoustic music filled the car as we drove, and I focused on watching the scenery pass.
My stomach flipped with nerves at the thought of being in nature, with the amount of moose and bear activity there was during the summer. Not to mention wolves and other wild animals that I knew roamed these mountains. The very activity that I had been counting on to find my decomposing body.
“Do you have bear spray?” I asked, eyeing Enoch as we pulled into a half-full parking lot. Given the time of year and day of the week, it made sense that there would be a lot of other people interested in being outside. I was just grateful that it wasn’t the same trail that I had planned on taking. I was hoping that it would allow me to focus on this date and not on my previous suicide plan.
“Yep. Bug spray, the extra strength kind and the natural kind in case you’re iffy about that stuff, sunscreen too. Plus water and lots of snacks. A first aid kit, a pocketknife, and a flashlight.”
I nodded as we pulled into a parking spot. We climbed out, and I watched Enoch as he stood at the trunk of his car, pulling out the bug sprays and sunscreen.
“So, which one?” he asked, holding up the two different bug sprays.
