I kept my unfocused gaze over Enoch’s shoulder as I continued. “He wasn’t…he wasn’t at all who I thought he was. He wasn’t just my protective older brother, he…he was sick. And maybe it’s hereditary, because I love pain too, but not in the ways that I realized he did. My tests, they weren’t just about me proving myself. He liked to hurt me, to hurt other people. I thought…I had thought this whole time that Javier had been this self-sacrificial sibling that raised me like his own child, but in reality, he was a selfish prick who enjoyed torturing me, enjoyed watching me suffer.”
“What changed your mind? About the abuse.”
I blinked, my eyes finding his. I could see the curiosity there, his desire for answers, and something akin to anger too.
“The truth. I discovered the truth. At least a version of it that’s closer to reality than the one I believed. The lies…Hell, there were too many to count. Everything had been a lie. How he joined Los Siete. What he did for them. How I got my eye condition. His reasons for not allowing me to work. The conditions in which he allowed me—forcedme to live in. All of it. A fucking lie. And I didn’t suspect any of it. I didn’t see it. I didn’t…I don’t even know if he ever really loved me. And I hate that I’ll never know.”
“What do you mean the conditions you lived in?” Enoch asked, his voice soft yet so loud in the silence of the room.
I sighed and let my fingers trace a path up Enoch’s arm, feeling the dips and curves of his taught muscles.
“I’d been begging him for years to move us out, to leave our dad’s place, to let me get a job to help pay for bills. For him to try and get another job that would give him a better source of income, because as it was we could barely afford food. Only…Carlos had given him an apartment, one with a room for me, one that was stocked with food, a tv, a comfortable bed…I slept on a thin mattress on the floor my whole life, we’d go months without proper food, I wore his old clothes, the same pair of shoes since the seventh grade, I had to take period supplies from the fucking school nurse because I hated asking him to pay for them when they were so expensive.”
I took a deep breath before I continued. “Javi had everything and more and I didn’t even realize it. A car, a phone, a nice apartment, food, clothes, shoes…He had the means to support me, he just chose not to. For whatever twisted reason, he liked to see me suffer. And I can’t say that I’m ungrateful. Because if he hadn’t treated me that way, if he hadn’t been sowilling to punish me with pain, to teach me with little regard for my body’s limitations, I don’t think I would have survived everything I did after he died. In a way, he readied me for my future. I became so numb to the pain that I couldn’t see it for what it really was. A warning…A warning that things weren’t right, that things weren’t normal. He needed help, if what Carlos said was true, he needed psychiatric help. Instead, he was fed every sick fantasy on a silver platter, encouraged to act on his depraved impulses.”
“What do you mean? What did Carlos tell you?”
“A story. No doubt trying to get me to sympathize with him, but he told me that my brother confessed he wanted to hurt people. That he was afraid he would hurt me, couldn’t control himself. So, Carlos let him become a murderer for the gang. Let him torture people.”
“Did Carlos not know your brother tortured you?”
I shook my head. “No. When he saw the scars on my body for the first time, he assumed they were from my father or one of his friends. And I never corrected him, didn’t want him to have any more ammunition to use against me when he manipulated me in the future.”
“Your dad…did you know he was arrested by ICE? Or was that the gang’s doing as well?”
“That was my doing actually. One thing I asked of Carlos before he faked my death. I wanted him gone; he didn’t deserve to keep living so comfortably after everything he’d done.”
There was a long moment of silence as we stared at each other, as I studied the shape of his brow, the curve of his upper lip, the way his cheeks were flushed from our fight.
“You don’t even realize it, do you?”
I shook my head, eyes narrowed in confusion.
“How unbelievably strong you are.”
I scoffed and rolled my eyes, but he gripped my chin, forcing me to meet his gaze. “I’m serious, Shiloh. You’re the most incredible human I’ve ever met. You’ve been through worse than hell and you’re still here. You’re still risking your heart, still smiling, still giving, still facing the world that’s given you every reason and more to hide, when it’s only ever taken from you.”
I opened my mouth to protest, to at least get him to shut up, stop the compliments that were making my stomach flutter with butterflies. Enoch’s lips were on mine and whatever I was about to say evaporated from my mind as his hand skimmed my side until it landed on my hip, hand drifting beneath my shirt so the heat of his palm was burning into my skin. He kissed me slowly, like we had all the time in the world to explore each other’s mouths.
After a while, I greedily hooked my legs behind his pulling him closer, his erection evident between the thin layer of clothing that separated our skin.
Enoch groaned against my mouth, his muscles tensing as he froze above me.
“I don’t think I’ve wanted anything more than how badly I want you,” he whispered.
I moved my hips beneath the weight of his own, breath hitching as I felt him rub against me.
“Then don’t stop,” I whispered back.
I watched his eyes pop open as he pulled back enough to study my face. I moved again, watching as his jaw ticked with tension and he closed his eyes briefly.
I chewed my lip, waiting for him to do something, but when the seconds ticked by, my heart stuttered with embarrassment.
“Never mind,” I rushed out, body going slack against the floor, wishing it would swallow me up.
Enoch’s eyes opened as his brows furrowed.
“Of course,” he muttered with a soft smile, pushing himself up.
