“Talk about your past.”
I blinked. “So, what, we just talk about stuff and then I’ll stop having flashbacks?”
“It’s a little more complicated than that. The goal is that we want you to lose this fear, lose the emotion attached to these memories, these flashbacks. Continuing to avoid the memories, it won’t make them go away. It actually makes it worse. You’re training your body that it needs to continue to be afraid, when they’re only memories. They might cause you emotional pain, but…they can’t physically hurt you.”
“I’ve told you before, I don’t want to talk about the past. It’s in the past for a reason.”
“Is it? Because it sounds like it’s very much in the present to me.”
I scowled and eyed the digital clock on the wall.
Sarah followed my line of sight and sighed. “How about some homework? I want you to write down the times that you’ve felt ‘triggered’ in the last month. Whether that’s memories, objects, sounds, smells…Anything that makes you scared, makes your heart race, makes you sweaty. Just write it down, describe how it made you feel. Can you do that?”
I rolled my eyes and released a deep breath. “Fine.”
Sarah smiled with contentment.
“Alright. Next Friday?”
“Sure.”
Fuck me. Why can’t the damn past stay buried?
July 17, Friday
Enoch
I stepped out of Jae’s car, my eyes bouncing around the parking lot until they landed on the entrance to the bowling alley. I didn’t know why I expected Shiloh to be standing outside waiting for us to arrive, but my stomach sank with disappointment when I didn’t immediately spot her.
Jae locked his car and followed me across the parking lot.
I was excited to see Shiloh, texting and FaceTime wasn’t enough to quell my desire to be with her at all hours of the day. My mind was always thinking about her, wondering where she was, what she was doing, what she was thinking about. If she was still safe, still breathing, stillalive. And yes, I recognizedthat wasn’t exactly healthy, my level of obsession with her wellbeing, but I didn’t mind in the end. Didn’t mind carrying the extra weight if it meant that I could remind her how much she was loved, how much she was cared for, adored, cherished.
But the thought of not being able to actually kiss and touch her in the ways I wanted to had me on edge. I wasn’t about to act like a tool with too much PDA that I was sure would make Shiloh uncomfortable. I didn’t want her to be embarrassed in front of her friends. Friends that I was more than a little nervous to meet.
I knew they didn’t have a high opinion of me after the small interactions I had with them. I wanted them to like me, because for some annoying reason their opinions of me mattered. To me, not just Shiloh. I needed them to know that I was a good person, that I was good for Shiloh—fuck,Emory. That was another thing, I really freaking hoped I didn’t screw up with her name or mention something I shouldn’t.
I was still reeling from the knowledge that Shiloh was no longer in the Witness Protection Program. That she was on her own when there were dangerous, lethal, people out there that would kill her without sparing a second to think about it.
I didn’t know how she could stand it. How she could stand the constant unknown, the constant what-ifs, the constant threat?
How did she have the nerve to leave her damn apartment? Let alone, come out to a crowded public location where anyone might accidentally post her on social media.
It was enough that I was seriously considering that gun.
Maybe it would help me sleep better at night if I knew that I could physically protect her in my home.
Only…the idea of having another weapon at her disposal to hurt herself with had prevented me from purchasing one.
The sound of pins knocking, vague arcade game noises, and pop music shook me from my thoughts as Jae opened the door, gesturing for me to go inside first. The inside was dim, colored strobe lights lighting up the lanes, and it was a sensory overload with the smell of fried food coming from the concession stand to the right.
I smiled at the sight of Shiloh sitting down on a bench near the entrance. I watched her for a moment, unnoticed by her or her friends. She was smiling freely, her attention on the woman speaking beside her. She looked happy, and it punched me right in the chest just how much I wanted that for her.
Jae nudged me along towards their group and Shiloh looked up at me, recognition lighting up her face when her eyes landed on mine.
“Hi.”
I licked my lips and smiled back. “Hi.”
