She pursed her lips. “I honestly don’t know. I just know that the FBI’s case had gone to shit. They tried to salvage it by arresting who they could, which included Carlos, two of his inner circle members, and a couple of other members that I’d never seen or heard of before.”
I sighed, sinking back in my chair as I processed what she was saying.
“But if they were all killed, then that means you didn’t have to testify in court?”
She shook her head. “Well, no. It’s…complicated. The court process, the way it works is that the attorney general has to give the defense the list of witnesses who are going to give testimony. And, these witnesses were supposed to be protected, but…they weren’t. Of the five people arrested, only three of them made it through the chain of custody to the prison system to wait for a trial. The other two were killed almost immediately after being arrested.”
“Okay,” I nodded. “So, you were going to testify against the three they had arrested?”
“Maybe? I don’t really know what the original plan was. All I know is that the witnesses for those cases started getting picked off, and the whole thing was falling apart for any hope at making it to trial. And then only Carlos was left alive. The FBI had kept me a secret from the AG, I was their smoking gun. Which meant I was…I was the only witness left alive. So, the FBI pulled meout, put me into protectionright beforethe preliminary hearing, where they would have to disclose me as a witness to the defense. But then Carlos killed himself. At least that’s the official story. I’m sure it was a hit to make sure he never made it to trial.”
“Then, why place you into witness protection if no one knew you were going to testify?”
“Well, I was already in the program to protect me for the upcoming trial. And taking out Carlos didn’t really mean much to the rest of Los Siete. Everyone is expendable, replaceable. And they’re still operating. I might have disappeared, but that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t believe me to be a threat if they found out where I was, realized I had been involved with the FBI.”
“So, they thought that these people you were going to testify against would actually make it through the hearing and that you’d need to be protected.”
Shiloh nodded. “There was another informant, who was supposed to testify…you, um, you met him.”
My brow furrowed as I thought back to anyone I had met back then.
“Wait, you mean your ex-boyfriend?”
“Yeah. Adrian. Los Siete discovered he was a rat after the arrests and…” she cleared her throat, looking across the room. “They killed him. Killed his little brother too.”
“Fuck,” I whispered. I reached out, pulling her hands into my lap. “Why would they let you leave the program?”
“It was my choice. I was willing to accept the risk. Moving again wasn’t going to change the fact that I could be discovered by anyone at any time. I wanted to be in control for once. And…I didn’t want to leave you without a chance to explain myself.”
“You’re not scared?”
“No, I’m definitely scared. But that’s my normal. What I’m most scared for is the people I care about. I don’t want anything to happen to you or my friends if shit hits the fan.”
I wrestled with the fact that Shiloh was no longer under the protection of law enforcement. Wrestled with the fact that if she was discovered we would not have any help.
Shiloh pulled her hands out of my grip. “Are you still mad?”
“Hm?” I blinked up at her. “What? No. I mean, I’m kinda annoyed you didn’t tell me sooner, because now I definitely want to get a firearm for the house. I just don’t know how you do it. How you manage to keep going, and now you won’t have any help from law enforcement…”
Shiloh and I stared at each other in a moment of silence. I knew she had secrets, but this was much bigger. She’d been through hell and back and instead of cowering in fear, she was living life to its fullest. She had friends, a normal job, and place to live. If I was in her shoes, I didn’t know how I’d ever leave my house again. I would be forever looking over my shoulder, forever questioning everyone’s intentions, forever paralyzed by the fear of someone finding me and hurting me.
“Do you think I should have stayed in the program? Do you think I was stupid for leaving.”
I leaned my head onto my fist, propped on the countertop as I studied her hazel eyes. “No. Not if it was hurting you. Do you still feel that way?” Her brows furrowed. “Do you still want to kill yourself?”
I swallowed, nervous to hear her response. But I wasn’t going to sugarcoat things with her anymore. That was one mistake I refused to make again. Shiloh seemed to consider the question and I held my breath, waiting for her to respond.
“Its…” She paused, looking out the window. “It’s weird. I don’t want todie; I want to cease to exist. Like, sometimes I wish I could just disappear…I just want everything to stop. I don’t want to hurt anyone else, and I know that dying would hurt you and my friends, so…I mostly just wish I never existed in the first place.”
I reached out to pull her hand back into my lap. She didn’t turn her gaze toward mine as she continued.
“I think most of all, I’ve just felt trapped. Like a lab rat. And just when I think the jig is up, I get shocked back to life only for the cycle to repeat itself. My whole life I’ve never felt like I had any control, never felt…” She sighed deeply, pulling her hand out of my grasp as she stared blankly into her bowl of food. “It only took three years for us to run into each other. How much longer before I run into someone else from my past? A day? A week? A year? I refuse to give them the satisfaction of finally ending my life. I thought you coming back was a sign that it was finally time. That’s why…that’s why…”
Her eyes flicked to mine and I knew. Iknew.
If I hadn’t driven past her at that exact moment, if I hadn’t forced her to get into my car, if I hadn’t refused to give her bag back, if I hadn’t convinced her to stay the night…
“That’s why you were so mad,” I said on sigh, my head falling into my hands as I leaned over the counter. “Because I had stopped you from…from killing yourself.”
