“And I had to kill a man.”
“I chose my life. I chose to live and take that man’s life. Like mine was more important. Like I was worth more. I don’t feel worth more. I feel…worth…less.”
Sarah hummed and the iron tang of blood flooded my mouth. I bit deeper into my cheek.
“That’s a lot of weight to carry around.”
“No shit.”
“How do you cope with that?”
“I dunno. I guess I don’t. Just…try to forget it happened.”
“You don’t think you should be forgiven?”
“Murder is murder. And if it weren’t for my deal with the FBI, I would’ve been punished by the courts.”
“And what would have happened if you had been arrested for the murder?”
“I would’ve been killed before I made it to jail,” I said with a shrug.
“So, it sounds like, in an impossible situation, under duress, under a real threat which would have resulted in your own death, you made a choice. If you hadn’t killed the man, do you think he would be alive right now?”
I shook my head.
“So, either way, you both would have been killed.”
“Don’t get me wrong, the man was a piece of shit. He…he raped me. I’m not exactly sad that he’s dead. But ifIhadn’t killed him, I wouldn’t have to live with the guilt. Or live with the guilt of every other awful decision I’ve made since then.”
“So, you wished you had died then?”
If I had, I wouldn’t be here now with Enoch. But maybe that would’ve been a good thing. I would’ve died before Enoch and Jae got attached.
She pressed forward when I remained silent. “Do you think that those people you were supposed to testify against would have been arrested if you had chosen to die?”
“I wasn’t the only informant to the FBI.”
“So, you had no responsibility in getting these people arrested?”
I swallowed the blood and saliva in my mouth.
“I know at least one of the other people had been informing for years…surely the FBI would’ve had enough dirt to arrest them at some point without me.”
“And how many more people would have been hurt by this gang?”
I shrugged. By the time the FBI got me, everything had fallen apart. There was never any legal justice for anything that happened.
“This guilt will never go away if you don’t give yourself some grace. If you don’t forgive yourself, Emory, you won’t be able to move on. I think you’re comfortable living in pain because you think you deserve it. But is that all your future will hold? Constant pain, constant guilt.”
“I don’t know any other alternative.”
Sarah smiled sympathetically. “You could be happy, Emory. I can’t tell you that it will ever go away completely, but if you give yourself the chance at forgiveness, I can see how much brighter things will be for you.”
“But I don’t deserve it,” I spat with frustration.
“Everyone deserves forgiveness.”
I shook my head.
