It was stupid, but I imagined what it would be like if she joined our family permanently. As in, we were married one day. I knew it was egotistical to say that I could be a source of happiness in her life, but I genuinely wondered what would have happened if our lives had not crossed paths. Would she be as happy as she seemed today, her icy exterior seemingly melted away, and an aura of peace radiating off her?
It was now blindingly obvious to me she was grieving, and I yearned to take away the pain that she seemed desperate to hide. I would catch her staring off into space sometimes with that cold, distant expression she had perfected, before someone or something would draw her back to reality, and her smile would slowly return.
I wished that I could turn back time and be a better friend to her when she needed it. All the times she deflected, lashed out or withdrew from the world, could now all be chalked up to her grieving the loss of her brother. And I was a fucking idiot for not trying harder to understand her from the beginning. If only I had known what she was going through, I could have supported her sooner.
I groaned and rolled out of bed, sighing as I read the time on my phone. I’d been laying here unable to fall asleep for over an hour.
I was surprised to find Baba in the kitchen making a warm drink and called out her name, hoping not to startle her.
“Baba.”
“Oh,” she spun around with a smile. “Enushka. I thought you went to bed ages ago.”
“Yeah, I just couldn’t sleep,” I shrugged, leaning against the counter. “What about you? Isn’t it a little late for you?”
She chuckled, quickly covering her mouth as she shushed herself.
“I may be a babushka, boy,” she scolded with mirth in her eyes, “but I’m not that old. I’ve always been a night owl.”
She offered to make me a warm drink, and I agreed with thanks. Her night remedies always seemed to work as a kid.
“Is anyone else awake?” I asked as I watched her grab a mug from the cabinet.
“Papa and Ded are in the garage looking for the wrapping paper for Ruthie’s present.”
“I’ll be back.” I stepped into the garage, my toes tingling from the cold cement against my bare feet.
“Hey, bud, I thought you were in bed,” my dad spoke as he dusted off his hands on his pajama pants.
“Couldn’t sleep,” I shrugged, taking in the state of our previously clean garage. “Baba said you were looking for gift wrap. It looks more like a tornado went through here.”
My dad sighed with his brows raised, looking pointedly at Ded. Ded rolled his eyes and tossed an empty cardboard box to a pile of random items in the middle of the garage.
“I don’t know how your dad could find anything in this mess the way it was organized,” Ded chastised, causing me to chuckle under my breath.
“You seem rather awake, let me guess, you were on your phone?” My dad changed the subject, replacing a lid on a storage tote and shoving it into the corner.
“No,” I rolled my eyes, “I just couldn’t turn my brain off.”
“What are you thinking about?” Ded asked, seemingly giving up on reorganizing as he walked to the step that led into the house and sat down. “Ah, that’s cold!”
“Serves you right for creating this mess and leaving me to clean it up,” my dad muttered behind me.
“I was just thinking about Shiloh,” I mumbled, scratching the back of my neck.
“Ah, of course. Your girlfriend,” Ded smiled at me knowingly.
“She’s not my girlfriend,” I objected quickly, eyes wide.
My dad let out a hearty laugh and clapped my shoulder. “Just a crush, right?”
I groaned and nodded.
“Ah, I see. Daydreaming about her then.” Ded said with a wink.
“Okay, look, just because I’m a teenage boy doesn’t mean I was thinking about her in that way. I was actually thinking about something serious.”
Ded put his hands up in surrender with a smirk and I shook my head in amusement.
