“What makes you think I’ve got a microdick?” Jae asked when he could breathe again.
“Cheese and rice, can we not talk about the size of your dick while I’m trying to eat,” Nox complained.
The lunch bell rang, and Nox groaned, resting his forehead against the table. I looked to Jae for an explanation, but he just shrugged as he shoveled the last of his food into his mouth quicker than he could chew.
“What now?” I asked as I swung my backpack over my shoulders.
“I’ve got my math midterm next period,” he mumbled under the table.
I rolled my eyes and grabbed his shoulder, pulling him upright.
“Which is why you should be getting your ass to class, shitbird,” I stated, picking up my tray to return.
“Hey! Who you calling a shitbird?” Nox shouted after me, grabbing his stuff and rushing in my direction.
I chuckled and ignored him, heading out of the cafeteria.
“I’m not a shitbird,” he grumbled next to me as I headed towards my locker.
“Whatever,” I shrugged nonchalantly. “Math is in the other direction,shitbird.”
“I know,” he muttered, grabbing my wrist so that we didn’t get separated through the crowds in the halls. “I’m stalling. I’m freaking out.”
“Nox,” I sighed, abruptly stopping and stepping to the side of the hall. “You did the study guide three times without my help. There’s nothing more for you to do but go in there and take the damn thing.”
He sighed and nodded, looking around the halls.
“So, get your fucking ass to the classroom and take the test. Show your teacher you can actually use thething,” I emphasized by tapping his forehead, “floating around up there so I don’t seem like a shit tutor.”
He chuckled and grabbed my hand, squeezing it.
“Okay! I’m gonna go. Thanks, Shiloh.”
He smiled and for a moment I thought he was going to say something more the way his brown eyes were staring into mine, but he turned and disappeared into a cluster of students.
I really did hope that he passed his midterm exam. Not just because it would be satisfying to know that I was helping him, but also because I knew how important this was to him. He wanted to join the military as much as I wanted to disappear from the face of the earth. He made that pretty clear in how determined he was to put in the required effort to improve his grades. We’d spent every day together this week getting him ready for his midterm that I hadn’t even studied for any of my own exams.
I used to put maximum effort into my grades as well, but suddenly things like life after high school seemed a lot less certain. Thanks to Carlos, I was now a criminal. A stupid test didn’t feel very high on my list of priorities when I was contemplating just ending things now.
The final bell rang, and I jumped, realizing I had stared off into space. I quickly made my way to the math block. A calculusmidterm was the last thing that I wanted to be doing. I slipped into my usual seat in the middle of the room and eyed the students around me who were trying to get in some last minute studying.
Now that I wasn’t with my friends my energy had depleted, and I was feeling the lack of sleep. I adjusted myself in my chair, balling up my sweatshirt on top of my desk so I could rest my head on it. My eyes were begging for rest and cramming for an exam I already hadn’t bothered to study seriously for wasn’t going to do me any good.
I tried to hold onto that feeling of warmth I got whenever I was around Nox and Jae, praying that it would last long enough I wouldn’t feel so empty when I got home.
There was this void that only I seemed to be feeling in the house. My dad acted as if nothing had changed, but everything had. And with Carlos leaving me alone since I bribed that judge, I was deluding myself into thinking he had forgotten about me. I was pretending I was a normal teenager whose biggest problems were homework and unrequited crushes. I was pretending I had a chance at staying until I graduated, becoming life-long friends with Jae and Nox, getting out of Texas with a scholarship to some fancy-ass school. Doing everything Javier ever wanted me to do. Not making his death be in vain by taking his place in the gang and becoming a career criminal.
But in the back of my mind was the constant threat of Carlos coming for me. Ready to initiate me for real, ready to exploit me like he did my brother. What did it say about me that I had let him manipulate me, that I’d willingly agreed to become a criminal, that I acted like I had the right to spend time with some decent human beings?
Weak. Fucking. Puta.
???
October 14, Thursday
Enoch
My phone buzzed in my back pocket, and I fished it out, balancing my textbooks in the crook of my arm. Jae had messaged he was waiting by the car, and I quickened my pace to my locker. I slowed when I heard Shiloh across the hall shout a ‘fuck’ loud enough for everyone in the vicinity to hear. I gave a smile to a couple students who looked at me with a ‘what’s her problem?’ expression and crossed the hall to where she was leaning her forehead against her locker.
