“No. No. There is no way Javierwantedto do that. Y-you’re lying. That’s not real. Y-you manipulated the video or…somehow fucked with Javier’s head. That’s not…he wouldn’t…”
Carlos ran his hand down the back of my head, and I flinched away.
“When Javier was around thirteen, he worked for me here at the ranch. Cleaning the stables, feeding the horses, and so on.”
I vaguely remembered that summer. Javier always came home smelling like sweat and hay.
“One day, he stumbled onto something he wasn’t meant to see. A man being questioned. I removed Javier from the room, worried I’d scared him, and tried to reassure him that he wasn’t in trouble. And I thought that was that…he didn’t mention it again until about six months later…” Carlos sighed, pulling his hand away from my body when I continued to curl further away from him. “He asked me if I enjoyed it, hurting other people. I told him the truth. I told him I liked hurting people who deserved it. And the relief…the expression of relief on his face. He started to cry.”
My face twisted with confusion and disbelief. Carlos continued.
“He confided in me that he liked it too. More than that, he confessed that he was obsessed with pain. Obsessed with the feeling, obsessed with inflicting it and the human reactions that came with it. Only, he was too afraid to hurt anyone in theways that he wanted. Not because he felt guilty, no, because he worried that he’d be taken away from you. Very sweet, if you can call it that, but he clearly cared about you and wanted to protect you. Even from himself. So, I gave him the outlet he desired, needed.”
My eyes burned with impending tears, and I squeezed them shut. “Stop.”
“I’m so sorry, güerita. I thought giving him a way to act on his urges was the best decision, but I realize now that I might have made a mistake in allowing him to continue to raise you on his own. I should have taken guardianship of you when he was initiated. I should have realized that he was deceiving us all.”
He was manipulating me. He had to be lying, trying to turn me against my brother.
“That’s not true. That’s not what happened. Javi got caught stealing from you and you threatened to have him arrested. He only agreed to join your gang so that he wouldn’t leave me behind, to protect me. That’s it. He was afraid of you and told me all about how you would torture and kill us both if we ever went to the police. He didn’t willingly join your gang.”
I flinched away from Carlos’s touch as he attempted to wrap his arm around my shoulder.
“Javier was a master manipulator and an even better liar. Don’t tell me you believed everything he ever told you. Let me guess, he never gave you the laptop I bought you for school. What about the cellphone? I gave him the latest model when it came out this month to give to you. Mis sabuesos said that it had never been turned on.”
I shook my head. “Shut up. You didn’t do that.”
“Driver’s Ed? Did he ever take you to the lessons that I paid for? I was going to buy you a car for your sixteenth birthday, but he told me that you had been too scared to drive and didn’t wantto learn. Did he at least give you the money I sent him to get yourself new clothes and shoes for the school year?”
I swallowed back the urge to vomit once again.
Carlos was just trying to get in my head, trying to get me to be sympathetic towards him. And yet…I couldn’t help but think of how willingly my brother tested me. Was that all because he enjoyed seeing me in pain? Was I just an object of obsession? Someone he could torture?
All those year of worrying about having enough food, locking myself in a room every night in fear of our dad and his friends, wearing clothes that didn’t fit me, and sleeping on a mattress that might as well have been a fucking slab of stone…No. Javier only withheld better because he didn’t want to take money from Carlos. Javier didn’t enjoy seeing his own sister hurting or suffering…
Oh, God. Please. Carlos has to be lying. My brother loved me. My brother loved me, dammit. He was trading secrets to give me a better future. He had my name on a bank account waiting for me to graduate and get the hell out of here. He loved me. He loved me. He. Loved. Me.
Carlos cleared his throat, and I realized we had been sitting in silence for too long.
“What exactly do you want with me?” I asked, eyeing Carlos with apprehension.
“Well, your brother is dead. And your father bartered once again for me to take you in his place. But don’t worry, you won’t be nearanyof the depravity. I wouldn’t dream of asking you to be an arreglador. I have a much more important role in mind for you.”
I opened my mouth to argue but he held up his hand to silence me.
“Now, just listen, Shiloh.”
I clenched my jaw and waited for him to continue.
“This isn’t just an offer to join this family. This is an offer that will guarantee your future. This is something never done before in the history of Los Siete and it’s taken me nearly a year to convince the other jefes that you are capable of fulfilling the task I have planned.”
A year? He’s been planning for me to join his fucked-up gang for a fucking year?! Did Javi know? Was that why he was so desperate and reckless and became a soplón.
I couldn’t hold my tongue any longer. “I won’t be some sex slave or anything else for you perverted fucks! I will not be used as a pawn. I will not be used as a substitute for the consequences of my idiot sperm-donor. I don’t give a fuck if he lives or not. In fact, I fucking encourage you to rid this world of his waste of space existencetoday. Something you should have done thirteen fucking years ago and saved us all a shit load of pain. I’ve got no fucks left to give here, Carlos. My brother, the only person on this planet who has ever given a damn about me, has been murdered. So, you can fucking kill me right now. Get it over with already!”
The room was spinning as I stood glaring down at him.
Carlos looked unfazed by my outburst, several seconds of silence passing as if he was waiting to see if I was truly finished speaking. I struggled to reign in my unbridled rage, wrap my brain around the fact that everything I’d ever known might have been a lie. That my own brother, my blood, might have been lying to me for years. That my only two choices were to die or do as Carlos bid. That I never stood a fucking chance at surviving this world or the fucked-up life I had been born into. That Javier was right. I was weak. I was weak and this could be the end. This might be the last memory I make, the last face I see my brother’s murderer.
