I decided to keep the soaps I’d stolen. It was a crime of opportunity, I reasoned. If she didn’t want her shit stolen, she shouldn’t have left her locker open. I stole her deodorant too before rushing to escape the locker room. If I couldn’t save my bad breath, I at least wanted to ensure I wouldn’t smell like a thirteen-year-old boy.
It took me a moment to remember which class I had first before I grabbed my English textbook from my locker, which I was grateful had remained at school on Friday. There were already several students in the classroom as I gingerly lowered myself into my seat. I could feel the occasional glance in my direction, but I just kept my head down, letting my wet hair block my face as I crouched over my desk.
My chest tightened with guilt as I struggled to pay attention in class. I knew Javier would have been disappointed in me, but I couldn’t help but doze. The few hours of sleep I’d obtainedover the last three nights was finally catching up to me. And all I could think about was the free school lunch I’d be receiving in a few hours’ time.
I just needed to make it until then. I needed to be strong for Javier and make it until then. So, I trudged mindlessly from class to class not bothering to participate as I drifted in and out of awareness. When the bell rang for lunch, I couldn’t contain the excitement that erupted inside of me.
I savored every single bite of the hot food I had been served in the lunch line. I devoured everything except the red apple, the most disgusting apple variety to exist, to save for later. As I stared off into space, I tried to relax my body into a comfortable position that didn’t feel like someone was stabbing my lungs.
My mind drifted to the dream I had woken from this morning, and I quickly blinked against the sting of tears that were trying to form. I didn’t want to think about my brother, but I found myself bringing the collar of his shirt to my face and breathing in the scent of him that was beginning to fade. The lump in my throat burned and I chugged the rest of my water, trying to get rid of it.
“Cierra tus ojos, güerita.”
Shut. Up.
“Te quie—”
Fucking shut up!
The sound of the gun firing made me jump, and I scanned the cafeteria with a racing heart.
Fuck.
My lunch threatened to make a reappearance on the table. My chair tipped backward from the force of rising from my seat. I sped walked to the exit.
Fuck school. Fuck this fucking shit. I’m not going back to some stupid fucking class to learn about fucking pointless fucking shit. I’ll go the fucking library. Maybe I’ll find somefucking letter opener or a pair of fucking scissors and just end this fucking day already.
I clenched my jaw, hands balled tightly into fists as an overwhelming feeling of rage overtook my body.
And fuck you, Javier!
I was angry, no,lividat Javier for choosing my life over his. It felt like a burden to keep going when I didn’t want to. I wanted to scream at him for being so reckless, for snitching, and for forcing me to live without him.
I was trapped in a nightmare whether I was awake or dreaming, and I wanted it all to end.
???
October 5, Tuesday
Enoch
Jae kept calling me a lovesick puppy after I’d spent the last two days scanning the hallways for Shiloh. I was anxious to apologize before our tutoring session after school, but to my disappointment I never found her. How the hell does she blend in so easily?
I made it to the library in record time, eager to get to the tutoring office before anyone else could claim Shiloh for their tutor today.
“Ah, back again. Algebra, right?” Mr. Crane asked when I entered the office, embarrassingly, a little out of breath with how quickly I’d walked there.
“Algebra II,” I nodded glancing down at the empty sign-in sheet with triumph before scribbling my name down. “I was hoping to work with Shiloh again. Is she here yet?”
“I don’t blame you. She is the best tutor we’ve got for math. But you’re a little early. No one else is here yet. Go ahead and take study room one and I’ll let Shiloh know you’re here when she arrives.”
I nodded, smiling with gratitude before heading into the study room. After pulling out my homework and the quiz we were working on last time, I scrolled on my phone. The sounds of other students arriving and taking up the surrounding study rooms filtered through the door, and I was beginning to worry that Mr. Crane had forgotten to notify Shiloh about me. I walked back into the office and waited for the other students to finish signing in at his desk before taking one of the empty chairs.
“No Shiloh yet?” I asked, hoping he hadn’t assigned her to another student.
“She’s not here?”
I shook my head.
