I heard her shoes slapping the carpet in the hall as she rushed back to the office, pushing a styrofoam cup of ice into my outstretched hand. “Do you need the nurse?” She asked, her bracelet charms rattling as she fidgeted beside me.
“No,” I sighed in relief as I pressed the ice cubes to my face.
She was silent before I heard her sit in the chair opposite me again and the door shut.
“I’m sorry to hear about your brother. It’s no wonder your schoolwork has been affected. Losing a sibling is a devastating trauma.”
I clenched my jaw, trying to suppress the emotions fighting to be released.
“I can meet with your teachers, and we can come up with a plan on how best to support you,” she said, reaching out to squeeze my shoulder gently. “We want you to succeed. We’re going to help you through this grieving process, Shiloh.”
I let out a groan, something to release some of the pressure in my chest that was aching. “If I’m even fucking here,” I mumbled to myself.
Ms. Gonzalez took a sharp breath and placed her hand on my arm that was currently dripping with the water from the ice melting in my hands. “Shiloh, are you having thoughts of hurting yourself?”
She sounded genuinely concerned, and I briefly wondered how many times she’d had to ask that question to crying teenagers in her office.
“No, I just meant I’m not coming back next semester,” I said firmly, trying to reassure her that she didn’t need to freak out that I was going to kill myself, however much I’d privately thought about it.
“Right,” she said with a breath of relief. “Look, I’m sure it might seem pointless, but can you try and help me understand your reasons for leaving?”
I let out a sigh, removing my hands from my sore eyes and wiping them on my leggings. I blinked several times, trying to focus on Ms. Gonzalez’s face, but it hurt like a bitch, so I closed my eyes again.
“I’ve already fucked up my grades, so I just…it’s easier to walk away than try and fix things.”
She hummed in thought for a moment before speaking.
“I know it might seem like an impossible task to get your grades back to what they were, but I know that once your teachers are aware of your situation they’ll be happy to make accommodations for you to at the very least graduate this year.”
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at her or say something bitchy.
“Can you promise to at least wait until I’ve spoken with your teachers and we offer you a plan?”
“Sure,” I lied, not bothering to sound convincing. “Now can I take that nap you promised?”
She let out a sound of satisfaction with my answer and told me to make myself comfortable.
Twenty-Four
November 7, Sunday
Enoch
Shiloh had been inactive in the group chat since I dropped her off Saturday morning. Jae and Shiloh had come over to watch Black Friday night. Shiloh seemed okay, she was laughing at our lame jokes, and she had even stayed over, letting me cuddle her all night long.
I was starting to get worried that I hadn’t heard from her in twenty-four hours, and then she sent a text this morning saying that she was sick and probably wouldn’t be at school for a few days. I tried to get details, but she just sent in all caps for me to stay away because she was contagious and didn’t want me to get sick. She said not to worry if she wasn’t responding to messages because she was probably just going to be sleeping until she felt better.
Of course, I was concerned and wanted to help her. I drove to Jae’s house, asked Auntie to give me some of her soup she kept in the freezer for whenever we got sick, and we loaded up a care package of goodies to help her feel better soon. I didn’t know her apartment number, but I figured if I called her and told her I was outside her building that she wouldn’t just leave me hanging and would at least let me leave the food on her doorstep.
I tried telling myself that my only motive for bringing her food was because I wanted her to feel better, but a big part of me just needed to get eyes on her. Needed to make sure that she was actually sick and not trying to hide an injury or worse. I hated that I wasn’t trusting her word, but something in my gut told me she was lying.
After we dropped the food off, Jae and I planned to watch a movie since we were at the promenade anyway and I wanted to spend some time with him. Now that the cat was out of the bag, I had told him about Shiloh’s secret that we had previously fought over. He said he understood why I hadn’t told him, but he said it still sucked that there were things we couldn’t share with each other.
I didn’t want him to think that me spending time with Shiloh was in any way replacing him. Being the third wheel wasn’t fun, and I knew he’d never say anything if he felt that way. I parked the car in the guest parking spot of the lot and moved to open my door when Jae slapped my arm.
“What?” I said, turning to him. But he wasn’t looking at me. He was looking out the windshield. I followed his gaze and froze.
Shiloh was walking to a car in the lot, holding a small duffle bag. She opened the trunk and threw the bag in before walking to the passenger side. The car was parked facing us, just two spots away and I was worried she would see us, so Jae and I both crouched down in our seats. Adrian was in the driver’s seat,talking to her with a serious expression. He grabbed her hand and forced her fist open before dropping something in her palm. Shiloh glared but popped it inside her mouth and swallowed. She made a show of opening her mouth and raising her tongue to prove she had swallowed it.
