I scoffed and shook my head. Closing my eyes to try and prevent myself from crying, this time out of frustration.
“You don’t understand,” I dismissed, keeping my eyes closed.
I was startled when I felt his hand on my hip, opening my eyes as he rolled me to face him.
“I can’t if you don’t give me a chance.” His hand was still on my hip, heat radiating between our bodies.
I groaned, unsure if I should even give him one. I didn’t want him to judge Javier unfairly. Not when Javier was gone, and his memory was all I had to fill the void he left in my heart. But fuck. Maybe Enoch was right? I was just another human punching bag to inflict pain on. Someone to test out what methods of torture would be the most effective on his assignments from Carlos. Although, his tests began well before whatever bullshit he was doing for Carlos.
Fuck. I let my brother abuse me, didn’t I?
“I promise I’ll listen,” Enoch whispered, squeezing my hip softly.
I let out a breath before deciding to make him understand that Javier wasn’t a bad brother. At least maybe I could convince myself.
“Look, Javi and I grew up around a bunch of shitty people. People like my dad who did shitty things sometimes. As in, use me for an ashtray. When I…when I was seven or maybe eight, I asked Javier to teach me how to fight back.” I paused to gauge Enoch’s reaction, but he motioned for me to continue.
“Part of the reason was because I didn’t want to cry again. It hurts like a motherfucker, and it fucks up my vision…you know that part. We couldn’t afford to get them fixed, like get the scar tissue lasered off, so if I kept crying, I’d end up losing my sight. And,” I cleared my throat, “the other part was that I was tired of Javi always trying to protect me, baby me. I felt responsible whenever he’d try to stop our dad or one of his friends from doing something. Javi didn’t believe me, but I told him that I could prove I was as tough as him. Javi rarely cried.”
Enoch gave me a silent nod to continue.
“So, he stole some cigarettes and a lighter from our dad and burned me. I cried like a fucking baby, and he thought he’d made his point, but I made him do it again, and again, and again…” I trailed off, my mind slipping back into memories. “Anyways…he started giving me lessons until I’d managed to control my response to pain or emotions without crying at the drop of a hat. I was kind of a fucking crybaby as a kid. It wasn’t cute.”
“Wait, so you asked your brother to torture you?” Enoch asked slowly.
“Well, when you put it that way it sounds really bad,” I shrugged. “It was either that or end up blind. And I wanted to be able to protect him too. I wanted to be strong and brave like my big brother. He loved—” I closed my eyes and swallowed, the lump in my throat threatening to release a sob at any moment.
My mind couldn’t help but picture Javier scalping that man. I pushed it away. Even if Javier enjoyed hurting me, I had asked for it. I was the one who let him continue to test me, continue to hurt me if I didn’t pass.
Enoch was silent, rubbing small circles with his thumb on my bare skin where his hand went under my shirt. After a minute or two the urge to cry passed and I continued.
“Javier loved me. And he did what was necessary to keep us alive. I wouldn’t be here today without him. His methods might have been unorthodox, but they worked, and I didn’t have an issue with it.”
Enoch nodded, letting the silence fall between us as he processed what I had told him.
“He, um…wow. I can’t imagine doing that to one of my sisters.”
My chest ached. I hated myself for questioning Javier’s love for me. And I hated even more that I’d never get an answer from him.
“Thank you for telling me.”
I nodded and uncharacteristically thanked him as well for listening.
“You said that your dad hurts you. Is it still—I mean are you not safe at home? Does he still hurt you?”
Shit. Shit. Shit. He cannot tell his dad. He cannot get police involved.
“No,” I shook my head forcefully. “I’m safe now. He can’t hurt me anymore. Ipromise. But, um, I appreciate the concern.”
Nox looked like he had a million other questions he wanted to ask but instead he said, “Sleep?”
I yawned as if on cue, relieved that he was dropping the subject. He was getting too close to the truth for his own good.
Nox chuckled and closed the distance between us, tucking his hand beneath my hip as he held onto me. I could feel his steady breathing on my shoulder and tried to match his calm aura, drifting into a sleep.
???
October 29, Friday
