Today, she was going to give this new relationship a chance and see where it took them.
4
FIVE YEARS AGO…
Bernadette – Sunday 21 February 2021
Bernadette checked her reflection in the mirror on her bedroom wall and sighed.She hated to wear black.She always felt that her skin was too pale for it, and the auburn red hair that had been on half the kids in her family when she was growing up in Ireland was too stark a contrast against the gloom of her ebony skirt and jacket.
Not to mention that she would rather be anywhere else in the world, and be doing anything else in the world, than going to her ex-husband, Kenneth Manson’s funeral.
Last night, sitting around the old oak table in Bernadette’s kitchen, Nina had been in pieces as she’d put the final touches to the eulogy she was giving this morning.Their daughter was the only one from the family who was willing to do it.Bernadette felt it wasn’t her place, now that their divorce was behind them.And as for Stuart…
He had held his coffee mug in both hands, as if the heat of it was a comfort, as he’d said, ‘Mum, I have nothing good to say.He never accepted anything about me.Not my relationships, my sexuality, my career choices… He was a bully and a cheat who was as vicious to you as he was to me, so why would I stand up there and say what a great guy he was?’
Bernadette admired his honesty, but felt the familiar tug of guilt that she’d allowed her ex-husband to make her son feel that way.She would always regret not leaving Kenneth sooner.Why had it taken thirty years?Her only defence was that she’d thought she was doing the right thing, because Kenneth had made it clear that if she left him, he’d fight her for custody, and he’d told her repeatedly that he was such an upstanding pillar of the community, he’d win.She just hadn’t been sure enough, or perhaps brave enough, to take the risk.So, instead, she’d stayed and tried to give Nina and Stuart the best childhood they could possibly have.Now that they were adults, the verdict on her decision was split.For Nina, it had been the right thing to do, but not for Stuart.
It would have been easy for Nina to be upset with her brother’s harsh words, but she understood.She’d been the apple of her father’s eye, the one who looked like him, enjoyed his company, only ever got the best of him, but who’d also spent her whole life defending Stuart against Kenneth, being the buffer between them.Bernadette had long accepted that Nina’s love for her father was complicated – Nina saw all the negatives that Stuart experienced, yet for her it was balanced to a degree by the goodness she saw in in her dad and the love he’d bestowed on his favourite child.It was understandable.
That’s why writing the eulogy had been so painful for her daughter and Bernadette had done her best to support her and be positive about the words Nina would say.There would be two other speakers – Murray Atkins and Sir Lester Kelaney.The former was one of Kenneth’s oldest friends, a fellow cardiac surgeon, based in Edinburgh, who’d graduated just a year or two after Kenneth, and like her former husband, had risen to become highly respected in their field.Bernadette didn’t know him well, but on the couple of occasions she’d met him, she’d felt that Murray and Kenneth had a strange relationship – brothers in arms, but ruthlessly competitive at the same time.She suspected it was difficult to have two narcissistic Messiah complexes in the same room.
Sir Lester Kelaney, on the other hand, was a more subdued, much revered gentleman, and an old mentor to Kenneth.As top dog at one of the Scottish medical community’s governing bodies, Bernadette had met him many times at posh functions and events over the years.Like Nina, Sir Lester had always chosen to focus on Kenneth’s good qualities: his charm, his fierce intelligence and his surgical brilliance.Kenneth’s skills in the departments of schmoozing the right people were always in full swing when Sir Lester was in the room.
But they wouldn’t be today.Was it wrong that Bernadette felt there was some sort of justice in that?
Bernadette had long let go of her hatred of the narcissistic sociopath that she’d married, but that didn’t mean she’d forgotten a single moment of the life they’d lived, the world that was made of eggshells she’d had to walk on.The one where she’d had to make excuses for his rudeness and his disdain for anyone he thought beneath him – which was every other person he ever met.
The world in which she woke up every morning and never knew if she was going to get the charming husband at the breakfast table or the one who would fly into a rage because his fork wasn’t in the correct place.
Who would tell her how she revolted him yet refuse to let her go.
Who told her she was insane when she accused him of having the affairs he’d entertained all through their marriage.
Who said she was weak when it took more strength than he would ever have to stay with him.
Now, this morning, was her one last obligation to Kenneth.One final day of pretending that he was a better man than he’d ever been.She’d spent a lifetime doing that, for the sake of Nina and Stuart, so she could manage a few more hours.
Her black patent clutch purse was on the cream boucle armchair in the corner of the room, so she picked it up before pausing at the door, and taking a breath.This was the last moment she’d be alone today.She could already hear voices from the kitchen.Nina.Gerry.Stuart.Connor.
Gerry and Connor must have arrived in the last few minutes, but Nina and Stuart had both stayed here last night – Nina in her spare room and Stuart on the sofa bed in the living room.It was the first time in over a decade that they’d all slept under the same roof, and Bernadette had been thankful for it.Even now, and despite the circumstances, having both of them close to her made her feel peaceful – something she’d craved throughout her marriage.Peace.
The first time she’d truly experienced that feeling was on the day she’d left Kenneth.She closed her eyes as snapshots of that day flitted through her mind.
It was just the two of them.He’d come down to breakfast and was soon in a rage at some perceived slight.Bernadette had blocked it out, but as far as she could remember, it was something to do with his breakfast not being how he wanted it.Or maybe it was because her phone rang and broke his rule about no phones at mealtimes.In all honesty, it could have been about a hundred different things, but it followed the same pattern: he flew into a fury, thumped the table, unleashed a diatribe of scorn in her direction and she held her breath until he finally walked out of the door, off to be a superhero and save lives.
Bernadette had already planned out the day.She’d been carefully packing the things that meant most to her, happy to leave most of her belongings behind.All she’d wanted were photos, her late mother’s jewellery, some clothes and anything else that had sentimental value.
Kenneth had been barely out of the street when her friend, Sarah, had pulled up as planned, and they’d begun loading the car, Bernadette’s hands shaking with every black bag they threw in the back.
When they were done, they’d gone to Nina’s house, so that Bernadette could break the news to her in person.There had been tears, but there had also been understanding and support, and for that, Bernadette would always be grateful.
When she’d told Stuart later that day, he’d reacted with relief and encouragement, both of which had helped to quieten the panic that was rising over how Kenneth would react.
Afterwards, he’d gone through all the stages of narcissistic loss.The fury.The disbelief.The belittling.The scorn.Then came the flip, as he switched tack and began doing everything he could to win her back.All his pleading and declarations of love and regret might have brought some kind of satisfaction if Bernadette hadn’t known him too well.If there was one thing Kenneth couldn’t bear, it was to lose – and Bernadette was a very real, very public loss.His ego couldn’t stand it.He didn’t want her back because he truly loved her – he wanted her back so he would win, and Bernadette didn’t take the bait.Not for a single second had she considered it because her freedom had been the biggest gift she’d ever given herself and she would never surrender that to a man again.Not ever.She couldn’t even imagine meeting anyone again, but if she did, it would be for friendship.Fun.Her independence had been hard a fought battle, and she couldn’t imagine a world in which she’d ever give that up again.
As for Kenneth, was it her rejection that ate him up inside?Was that anger and internal rage the thing that had killed him at not even sixty years old?He was super fit – cycled to work every day, worked out in the gym five times a week, ate a clean, balanced diet with no cheat days – at least not of the nutritional kind.
The other kind?Well, that was a different story.
