‘It was definitely one I’ll remember, that’s for sure,’ Bernadette said with a wry grimace.
When Bernadette had returned to the elderly ward, it had been right at the end of visiting hours and still bustling with activity, but the halls were quiet now, and most of the patients were fast asleep.Bernadette was in front of the nurses’ station, and from there she could see that the overhead lights were out in all the multi-bed units, with just a few rays coming from the bedside lights of the patients who were reading or scrolling on phones or iPads.That would never have been allowed in the days when she was training.The ward sister had the lights out at 10p.m.sharp, and wouldn’t dream of allowing technology or communication devices of any kind on the ward.Not that there was that kind of thing in those days.A Sony Walkman had been cutting edge back then.Televisions were communal and wheeled in every morning, and the telephones were a luxury that patients could only use by coming out to the ward’s wall-mounted payphone during set times.Changed days.
Bernadette loved her job, but more and more she’d been thinking that perhaps it was time for a change.Or reduced hours.Or at least perhaps she could take the baby step of not coming in every time they were short-staffed.She couldn’t be bothered with all that social media stuff, but she’d downloaded Facebook years ago, and then Nina had added Instagram too.And if one more member of her family or one more pal sent her that moody music picture post about how people on their deathbeds never said they wished they could go back and work more, she was deleting them.Or blocking them.Or whatever it was called.She could take a hint – she worked too many long hours.And today, seeing how fragile life was, had definitely been the biggest hint ever that it was time to plan a new future.She just hoped that Jack felt the same.Was he ready to take the next step with her too?He’d brought it up many times in the first couple of years of their relationship and she’d always said they were fine as they were, her fear of getting into another binding relationship over-ruling the fact that she adored him.She’d always thought that he’d backed off to give her space and time, but that he still wanted the same thing.But did he?Had she left it too late and now he was the one who’d backed off?Going by his lack of communication lately, she was beginning to wonder.That was a problem for tomorrow.Today, her priority was the friend in the room across the hall.
‘Keli, are you okay with me staying for a little while with Marge?She nodded off when Estelle went down to the cafe with our friend, Clara, but I just don’t want her to wake up and be alone.She’s been flitting in and out of sleep since I got here.I’ll wait until Estelle comes back up and then I’ll head off.’
Keli’s expression was full of sympathy.‘We’re making her as comfortable as we can.The palliative ward have said we can bring her down at nine o’clock in the morning, and she’ll be well taken care of there too.I’m sorry, Bernadette – it’s hard to watch a friend go through this.’
Bernadette contemplated that and it brought up so many mixed feelings for her.Sorrow.Sadness.An aching heart for a life that would be lost before its time and for the future that wouldn’t exist.
‘It is.But that’s the thing, Keli – I’ve known Marge for over thirty years because she was my ex-husband’s secretary, but we only talked properly after he died.At his funeral, actually.So we weren’t really friends.Not true pals that hang out together and share each other’s lives.But the saddest thing is that we were going to be.The last time we were together was a year ago tonight and we sat in Carlo’s Cafe and vowed to be better at keeping in touch.We even talked about taking a trip over to Ireland too because she hasn’t met Jack and she’s never been there.Now I don’t know why we didn’t just do it.Marge was a bit of a loner, and I never seem to have enough hours in the day between this place and the grandkids and… It’s all just excuses really.I could have found the time.We both could.We just didn’t.I thought we would eventually get round to it, maybe this year, maybe next year.But now it’s too late and I could kick myself.’
Bernadette heard her voice falter as she said that last line and swallowed back the emotion of it all.This wasn’t about her, and she had no right to be anything except strong for Marge right now.But still… cancer was a bastard of a thing.And so was regret.
‘If it’s any consolation, hon,’ Keli said, her voice oozing sympathy, ‘I hear that so often on this ward.There’s almost always regret.Sometimes it’s the patients, sometimes it’s the people that love them, but it’s always there.I could see how happy Marge was that you were with her earlier, so if you haven’t been there enough that’s okay – what matters is that you’re here now.’
Bernadette sniffed as she stepped forward and hugged Keli, who opened her arms and welcomed it.They stood like that for a moment, Bernadette soaking in the human comfort, before she was ready to let go and take a step back.
‘Thanks, Keli.Ugh, how did you get so wise?It’s supposed to be the old Jedi masters like me that are the profound ones.’
‘It’s my family,’ Keli made light of it.‘You can’t go to my mum’s house for a cuppa without someone delivering at least one life lesson with every KitKat.’
Bernadette had met Keli’s family several times and she knew exactly what she meant.Her mother, Gilda, was one of those naturally smart, strong women, a legal secretary who did so much for her community, and three of her four siblings were in the medical profession.They were just one of those families that cared about other people.
‘Okay,’ Bernadette said, blowing her cheeks out and changing her energy back to positive and light, ‘I’m going to go back in and sit with Marge until Estelle comes back up, then I’ll get off home.’
‘You’ve got Nina’s vow renewal tomorrow, haven’t you?Caleb was telling me about it.So romantic.’
So much had happened today that Bernadette had put that to the back of her mind.Right now, all she wanted to do tomorrow morning was lie in bed and sleep, maybe watch some of those house renovation shows or old episodes ofFriends– anything that would take her mind to a numb, happy place where the worst thing that could happen was a burst pipe.
But, of course, she wouldn’t do that.Because even better than sleep, would be a morning with the people she loved.Hadn’t today reminded her how priceless that was?
With more thanks to Keli, she took her tea back through into Marge’s room, and saw that she was still sleeping.Bernadette went on to autopilot, switching on her bedside light, turning off the overhead ones, fixing Marge’s blanket so that she’d be settled for the night.
When she sat down, she pulled her phone from her pocket and made sure it was on silent before checking her messages.One from Caleb, saying thanks again for coming in today and telling her that he and Stevie had opened a bottle of wine if she fancied joining them later.Another one from Nina saying how excited she was for tomorrow.
And finally, one from Jack.
Missing u.See u tomorrow.Hope you’re having a goof fay.
That made her smile – he clearly hadn’t had his specs on when he typed that and those big hands of his were as hopeless with the buttons as they were with the emojis and the xxxx’s.
Miss you too, love.Let’s talk tomorrow.Think it’s time we made some plans.x
It was, wasn’t it?Was she ready?Was he?She’d started today with the serious thought of suggesting they make it official and get married.Wasn’t four years long enough to be sure?It was for her, yet she was the one who’d been dragging her heels, refusing to commit because she was already once burned.She hadn’t been ready to give up her life here, her work, her friends, her proximity to her family.Surely, though, they could figure out a way to make at least some of that happen now?Perhaps do some part-time shifts at a hospital in Ireland?Maybe rent her cottage here out as an Airbnb so she could afford to keep it, then she could still come back and forward to see the family every couple of weeks.It was only a forty-five-minute flight.That way, she was giving up her job here, but not her whole life.
‘So serious.’The voice from the bed interrupted her thoughts and she looked up to see Marge was awake again, watching her, the corners of her pale lips quivering a little as they turned up.
Bernadette immediately snapped out of her malaise and went straight back to cheeriness.‘Ah, it’s just me being dramatic, Marge.Can’t decide if I’m coming or going.I woke up this morning thinking that I should propose.Can you believe that?You’d think I’d know better.’
‘To your Irishman?’
Bernadette laughed.‘Ah yes, I forgot I’d bored your socks off about him before.Nearly four years we’ve been doing the long-distance thing for now and I’m wondering if it’s time for one of us to make the move.He’s born and bred there, so it makes more sense for me to go but… Och, I don’t know, Marge.Didn’t I put my life aside for a man once before, and look how that turned out.Once bitten, twice running a mile.’
‘You were going to… take me to meet him.’
The trip they’d talked about taking last year.Marge remembered too.Bernadette’s regret came flooding right back like a big bastard wave to drown her.Why the bugger hadn’t they done it?Why hadn’t she called Marge?Why hadn’t Marge called her?Why had they left it too bloody late?
