Amber nodded.‘I do.I was always a bit jealous.My lot are a chaotic study in dysfunction, and you had Mary Poppins and George Clooney.I know those two don’t go together, but you get the point.’
‘I do,’ Estelle conceded.‘When I look back on growing up with them, I can’t think of a single thing that I worried about, or that caused me pain or scarred me for life.’
‘I’ve got a list the length of a toilet roll, but go on.’They both knew she wasn’t joking.Her parents had seven marriages between them, and it didn’t take a psychologist to work out that Amber found it difficult to trust – or that she’d run for the hills when her trust was broken.That was why she’d put a mountain between her and Ewan and Estelle for the last two years.Maybe listening to Estelle now was the first steps of her descent.
‘Exactly.It was all happiness.Other than the normal kid stuff and the Spice Girls breaking up, there was nothing to be sad about.But what I didn’t know then…’ She took a breath before going on, ‘Was that my dad wasn’t actually my dad.’
‘What?No.How?No way.I don’t…’ Amber ran out of words, then offered a contrite, ‘Sorry.Please go on.’
‘My mum had a one-night stand before she met my dad and by the time she found out she was pregnant, they’d already fallen in love.They decided to keep me, and Dad raised me as his, and I didn’t find out until he died.’
Amber was still desperately trying to put the pieces in place.‘But wait, I was with you when your dad died, and for all the years after.’
‘I know.’
‘And you didn’t tell me?’
‘I didn’t tell anyone that I knew.Not even my mum.I suppose that’s difficult for you to understand, but that’s just the way we were.The way we are, actually.We keep things to ourselves.It’s that whole, “Lest said, soonest mended,” thing.My mum and I are just experts at putting problems in boxes.’
Amber realised she was missing a bit of vital information.‘And your… dad?The biological one?’
‘Clara Kelaney’s husband.’
‘Fuck.Off.’It was out before Amber could stop herself.
‘Nope.My mum worked for him when she fell pregnant.They had one night together.He was already married, and, from what I’ve learned tonight, he’s a serial shagger.’
‘Oh, poor Marge.And poor Clara.’Amber did wonder if her reaction might have been different had she not also slept with a married guy this morning, albeit inadvertently.‘But also, wow Marge.I’d never have believed it.How did you find out?’
‘My mum wrote a note to Lester Kelaney and my dad – the one I grew up with – kept a copy of it.I found it in his things when he died.’
‘Oh Estelle, I’m sorry.I wish you’d told me.’
‘But that’s the thing.It worked out for the best that I told no one, because my mum didn’t need to have all that dredged up when she was already mourning my dad.And I honestly feel grateful that my parents didn’t tell me when I was younger, because then, maybe my life would have been different.Maybe I’d have been different.Apparently my biological dad wanted nothing to do with me anyway, so I’d have had to navigate rejection and maybe disappointment and confusion too – that’s why I’m thankful that they kept it from me and gave me the gift of growing up knowing nothing but love and care.Other people might disagree, but I think that sometimes loving someone can mean protecting them from the truth.’
Amber had a sinking feeling they were about to get to the connection in this story and she was about to feel like crap.
‘And that’s my point,’ Estelle continued.‘Rightly or wrongly, that’s what I was trying to do.I didn’t tell you about the affair because it was over and I didn’t want you to feel that pain.And more than that, I didn’t want to be responsible for breaking up the parents of Sid and Alfie.I thought you could just carry on with life and be happy.’
‘Yeah, newsflash…’ Amber said, weakly.
‘I know.Didn’t quite work out as I thought.But I hope, maybe, you can understand at least a bit… even if you don’t agree and still think I’m a cow.I did what I thought was right, based on my own experiences.But I’m sorry, Amber.And I miss you.’
Amber wasn’t sure how to respond to that.She’d had her heart torn out.Run over by a bus.Which then reversed.Ran over it again.And drove off, leaving her broken.Could she really move past any of this?Find a way to understand and forgive?She still didn’t know if she could with Ewan, but Estelle?
‘I miss you too.But I can’t be friends again.’
Estelle looked crushed.‘But why?’
Amber inhaled.Shrugged.‘Because I’ve just found out your dad is a “Sir”.You’re now way too posh to be my pal.’
For the third time today, Amber watched as Estelle Drummond burst into tears.And so did she.
And it was only after using six napkins from the table dispenser to dry their eyes that Amber said, ‘So now we’ve got that sorted… I know visiting is over, but any chance you can sneak me up to see Marge?’
28
BERNADETTE – SUNDAY 21 FEBRUARY 2021
