‘I’m someone who values security and stability.I’m not a risk taker.To answer your question, no, I didn’t love him.I respected his work.Admired his intelligence.I’m so sorry to say that I was very aware of his faults, and perhaps that should have been enough to make me leave, but he was always unfailingly professional with me and treated me well.He had a temper, and could be demanding, but I think, in many ways, I had that “better the devil you know” mentality.’
‘I can understand that.And for what it’s worth, I know how much he valued you.I think you were the most constant person in his life in the end.By that time, I was gone.Nina barely saw him because he’d never approved of Gerry.He had no time for Stuart.All that was left was you, Marge.Oh, and Lila over there, but she soon got bumped off too.I never saw that coming.I thought she’d have been the trophy wife he always felt he deserved.’
Marge had followed Bernadette’s eyeline, to the other side of the room, where Lila Anderson was apparently reeling Murray Atkins into her Venus flytrap.Or perhaps it was the other way round.Bernadette wouldn’t trust either of them as far as she could kick them.Although, she had to admire Lila’s gall in showing up here today.That took a special level of entitlement and audacity that Bernadette couldn’t even imagine possessing.Nor did she want to.She wondered if she should feel resentment, anger, disgust at Lila’s presence, but actually she felt nothing at all.Complete indifference.If anything, Lila had done her a favour that day she’d turned up on the doorstep and revealed the affair, because it had booted Kenneth right off any arrogant high ground that his narcissistic brain could have manufactured to stop Bernadette leaving him.
When the two women had turned back to face each other, Bernadette could tell that Marge had known exactly who Lila was and what she’d been to Kenneth.Their affair had lasted longer than some marriages.Marge’s next words had confirmed it.
‘Yes, I’ve had the displeasure of meeting Miss Anderson and I won’t lie to you by minimising their relationship, but to my mind, Kenneth was never serious about any of his dalliances.He certainly gave no indication that he wanted to make any of them permanent.I know you might not believe this, Bernadette, and I don’t want to say anything that will upset you, but he was never the same after you left him.It was like a form of grief.’
That wasn’t a surprise to her.‘I do know that.It was a shock to me, but from the time I left him, right up until he died, he was trying to get me to go back to him.At first, I thought it was some kind of game for him, because, God knows, he had no true understanding of love.Then I studied more, started up a support group where I saw similar stories, spoke to many people far smarter than me, and I learned what I still believe to be the explanation.It was his narcissism.He couldn’t bear that I had left him.His ego couldn’t bear it.And I think he misinterpreted that as love and loss.Jesus, Marge, this might be the deepest conversation I’ve ever had at a funeral.I’m sorry.I’ve been talking your ear off.I think a dam broke after I’d been forced to be polite, and listen to how wonderful he was all day.’
‘I understand, Bernadette.And this might be the longest conversation that I’ve had in a long time.I’ve always been somewhat of a loner, especially since Ian died…’
‘Oh, Marge, I’m sorry.I’ve been so busy talking about myself that I didn’t even ask how you were.It’s the wine, I swear.’
Marge had protested instantly.‘No, no, please don’t apologise.It’s been nine years now and I’ve become quite used to it.And I have Estelle…’
‘I’ve loved that name since the day Kenneth told me that’s what your daughter was called.I think she was born just a few years after Nina…’
Marge had nodded.‘Yes, that’s right…’ Then went back to her original point.‘But what I meant to say was that I’ve enjoyed speaking to you, Bernadette, and I hope we can stay in touch.I think perhaps we have more to talk about.More we could share.I would welcome that.’
Bernadette prided herself on her perception, even after several glasses of wine, and she’d recognised Marge’s body language and tiny steps towards her.She saw it on people in the ED who badly needed someone to talk to, but didn’t have the strength to speak up.People who were lonely and craved connection, yet didn’t know how to reach out.
‘I would like that, Marge.’
‘Mum!’A stage whisper from Nina, who was standing just a few feet away clutching her phone to her ear, had interrupted them and Bernadette saw Nina beckoning her over.
‘I’ll be right back, Marge.’Something had occurred to her.‘You know, you never answered my question earlier.About the other women.’
‘No, I didn’t.Bernadette, I’m so sorry…’
That was as far as Marge had got, because at that moment, over at a table near the bar, Sir Lester Kelaney’s wife dropped a wine glass, which smashed, scattering shards and Chablis across the marble floor.
The sound of it had chilled Bernadette to the core.How many times had Kenneth smashed something – a whisky tumbler, a photo frame, a plate – to make a point while he was in a rage?
Marge had jumped out of her seat, and immediately headed over to implement a crisis-management protocol, leaving Bernadette frozen to the spot.
If she’d dropped a glass at a function, in front of his peers, Kenneth would have been insane with fury, but he would keep a lid on it while they were in public, and then verbally torture her the minute they were alone.The abuse would last for days, sometimes weeks, until Bernadette was almost broken with the exhaustion of it.And still she’d stayed.It struck her that she probably had no right to question Marge’s choice to work for Kenneth for all those years, when Bernadette had stayed for decades too.
While Marge had gone to organise the clear-up, Bernadette had made her way over to Nina, who’d got off her phone just as Bernadette reached her and immediately rushed into an explanation of why she’d summoned her.
‘Mum, that was the babysitter – Milo just threw up everywhere and she thinks he might have a slight fever.’
If Bernadette’s switch to water hadn’t already cleared her head, that would have done the trick.
‘You go on home, love.’
‘But I can’t!How can I leave my dad’s wake before it’s over?I’m supposed to be the one in charge here.What if something goes wrong?’
‘Don’t worry, Stuart is here…’ As she’d said it, she’d spotted that Stuart was making his way to them, with Connor by his side.Those two were so lucky to have found each other.Bernadette had never seen her son as happy as he’d been since they had realised they were meant to be together.Although, as she’d watched him approach, she could see the strain on his face and knew how much this must have taken out of him.He was someone else who would find a day of people praising Kenneth Manson to be a form of psychological torture.
‘Sis, we’re just about to head off.’
Nina’s panic had escalated.‘But, Stu, the babysitter has just phoned and Mum said?—’
Bernadette had immediately cut her off.‘Sweetheart, it’s fine,’ she’d assured her daughter.‘You and Gerry go on home and take care of the wee one.And Stuart’ – she’d turned to her son – ‘you get off now too.’
‘But, Mum, if something goes wrong…?’Nina had said again.
