Quickly, he unwraps a similar tactical set Dad and Linda got to him to help in the field.Only this one is much smaller and fits on his keyring.Good to know I was at least in the ballpark.When he opens the gloves, he gives me a quick smile before trying them on.
"Perfect.I love them.All of them.Thank you, Lila, Mom, and Robert.This was certainly an unexpected surprise."
"You're the son I never had," Dad boomed, his face full of pride and love."No way in heck you'd come home to an empty tree.I treat both of my kids equally."
But we're not, that insidious voice slithers into my brain again.That part has been made painfully clear.
Dad seems far happier with Nate than with me.Never once have I heard him belittle his job or try to get him to do something else.Not like me and my "scribbles."At least with Nate, he's doing something to protect the country.What am I doing?Making new buildings for people?So revolutionary.
I get it.I hate it, but I get it.Dad and Nate can relate.They can talk shop, guns, security, things I'll have no hope of knowing anything about.The only positive is knowing Nate seems just as uncomfortable with his statement as I am.
Clearing his throat, my stepbrother points to my gifts."I believe it's your turn now."
My stomach wraps up in knots as I reach out to assess the gifts.Could this year be different?Could this year be the first since Mom died that I might actually get something I need or want?
Looking down at my pile, I try to make out any familiar shapes that could imply soaps and pamper stuff like I get every year.But then, I still won't know until I open them.I never know.Each year I get excited only to find some variation on a different body wash set and loofah.
Once Dad gives me the nod, I pick up the first one and hold it tentatively in my hands.The smothered smile Linda gives me makes me think it's something altogether different than usual.Do I dare hope?
Chapter10
Lila
Plastering a fake smile,I shake it a bit and pretend to listen, but of course no sound gives it away.As I peel away the paper, I do my best not to let my face show the disappointment that burrows into my heart.
A soap kit.Liquid soap, hard soap, bath bomb, loofah, and some scrub.Just like last year.Just like the year before.Not even in a color I like.It's all pinks and pastels, almost an exact shade as the ones on my walls.Pretending to beam at Linda, who I'm sure is the one who picked it out, I wave it at her.
"Thank you!I'm almost out of the last one."
Her jaw drops as she reaches over to smack Dad on the arm as her green eyes glitter with unbridled joy."Didn't I tell you?Oh, I knew it.I knew she'd need another one.I told you, didn't I?"
He gives her an indulgent smile and pats her hand."Yes, you did, dear."
I can't be mad at her.Not when I see just how excited she is.It's as if she truly doesn't know or understand.But then, it's not as if she's grown up with a daughter.All she had was Nate.And it's not like he'd want any of these frilly items.
In some ways, I'm the daughter she never had, just like Nate's the son Dad never had.I really shouldn't begrudge her this moment.Besides, there are several more gifts, and most of them are far bigger than I've had before.They can't all be spa items.Right?
I grab the next one and hold it up.This time, Dad's the one smiling as well.Maybe he did get me stuff for my next class!Elation fills my chest as I tear open the paper only to stare down at the generic art supply kit.
Colored pencils, watercolors, generic paints, and craft-level sketching paper sit in my lap like a bomb.Tears burn in my eyes until the whole thing blurs into a mass of rioting colors.
"We saw this at the store and knew it would be perfect for you," he says, his voice booming with a pride I can't understand.
It's not that I'm not grateful for the gift, but this looks like the same holiday set you'd find at any big box store.Nothing specific to me or what I do.Nodding, I set it down and give them a watery smile.
"Thank you.I'll be sure to put it to good use!"Not that they have to know that good use will be a bonfire on the quad to roast marshmallows over.
Going to the next, I almost dread opening it.Instead of precision pens and sketch pencils, it's a beginner drafting kit, complete with plastic triangles and a compass still zip-tied into place.High school stuff that I've grown beyond… but I guess he never noticed or even cared to look at the supply list.
What I hate most is the look of hopeful exuberance on their faces.It's as if they both think they knocked it out of the park.With Nate, there was no question that everything was a perfect fit for his career.With me, it's as if they don't know anything about my chosen profession.
By the time I reach for the next gift, my fingers tremble.It's heavy, but that doesn't mean anything.As I unwrap it, it's like another punch to the gut.Build It Right: A Beginner's Guide to Foundational Architecture.Now I definitely can't help the tears from slipping down my cheeks.
It's not that I'm just so happy I can't contain it.Not even close.It's the same stupid book I bought at a thrift store while I was in middle school.It's what helped me develop my love for architecture all those years ago.
I glance up at them and do my best to hide my misery.Perhaps he knew how much it meant to me and wanted to get me a new one?
"I figured you might like a little supplemental book to go with your textbooks I ordered.You know, in case you need help with some of the bigger concepts.Anything to help my Little Lily succeed."
