I’ll never forget the alarm that flashed in his eyes. Instead of pulling me into his arms and murmuring into my ear that he loved me, too, and pressing a loving kiss on my lips, he stepped back, eyes still wide with fear. He spun around and ran away.
Heranaway.
He just left me there, allowing my heart to shatter, piece by piece. It was then that I realized it was all a game to him. I was a joke. He never cared about me, he just wanted to play around with my emotions. I cried myself to sleep for nights, not caring that my cabinmates heard. I knew they were curious, but they never asked me about it because we weren’t friends. In fact, I think I sometimes heard them giggling to one another. I don’t know why that made everything worse. I guess because I felt hated, unaccepted, the scum of the earth. Was I really sounlovable that no one wanted to be my friend? That the only guy who I thought liked me was really pretending?
It’s a good thing I had Carly and Sophie, or who knows how broken I would feel. I held onto their friendship for the rest of camp. Knowing they were in my life was the only thing that got me through the days.
Shoving the memories away, I look right into Kylen’s eyes. “Yes, I remember the dance at camp. Is there something you want to say about it?”
I know my words are like daggers, but all the pain and heartache I’ve felt the past year and a half is bleeding out of me.
Kylen’s eyes widen and he staggers back a little, as though my words are real darts and stabbed him in the heart. “I know I hurt you,” he says, pain, regret, and guilt laced to every word. “I’m so sorry. But you don’t know the whole story. I came back looking for you that night. I wanted to explain why I ran away. But you were gone. I looked around for you, but I figured you must have gone back to your cabin. I tried talking to you the next day, but you avoided me. I didn’t see you once because you did a good job staying away. I knew I messed up royally and that you wouldn’t give me a chance to explain if I stopped by your cabin, so I wrote a letter. I explained everything indetail, why I did what I did, how I felt. I spent hours on it. And I asked Beck to give it to you.” He slowly turns his head to his best friend.
When I raise my eyes to Beck, I find the guiltiest look I’ve ever seen on a person. As though he wants to punch himself, then throw himself into a river, and then punch himself again.
“I read it and then threw it out,” he says in a low voice, eyes dropping to his shoes. “I know I shouldn’t have, but…” His breath constricts. “I was jealous of your friendship. I was lonely. I was hurt. I felt like I was losing my best friend because he kept ditching me to hang out with you. I know nothing I say can excuse my behavior, but I was soscaredI’d lose him. And thenI read in the letter how he felt about you and how he wanted to keep in touch. A fear I never felt before paralyzed me. I thought I would spend the rest of my high school life without my best bud because he would be obsessed with you, just like he was at camp. I thought he would cancel our hangs to video call you instead. He would go visit you on holidays instead of spending them with me. I should have talked to him and told him how I felt instead of throwing the letter out. It was such a crappy thing to do. I’m really sorry, Raven.”
My legs bring me to my bed, where I sit down and gawk from one to the other. There’s a huge lump lodged in my throat and my heart beats so fast it feels like my vessels will burst. It seems like I can’t get my vocal cords to work, but when they do, I whisper, “You wrote me a letter?”
Kylen nods. “I explained it all. And I wrote down my information so we could keep in touch. When you didn’t contact me…” He swallows as his gaze drops. “I thought you didn’t care about me anymore. It hurt like heck, but I didn’t want it to destroy me. So I just let it go. I let it all go.” His eyes lift to me. “But I never forgot.”
My chest heaves as I try to suck in air. My vision is a little spotty and it feels like the room is spinning. Am I going to faint? Or is this a panic attack?
I manage to regulate my breathing, telling myself to relax. Kylen wrote me a letter. He didn’t stomp all over my heart. This was all a misunderstanding.
Beck marches over and takes my hand. “I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I don’t deserve Kylen’s, either. It would be totally understandable if you would throw me to the wolves and hope I die a slow and painful death. But I can’t change the past, no matter how much I want to. The only thing I can do is apologize and hope you see that I’m genuine.”
I keep my eyes on Beck for a few seconds before closing my other hand around our interlocked ones and offering him a small smile. “What you did was terrible. You really suck, dude. But I understand how hard it was for you. I really appreciate you coming all the way here to explain and to apologize. I do forgive you, but it might take some time until I feel like I can trust you. I need time to process all of it.”
He quickly nods. “Yeah, I totally get it. Take all the time you need. Not like I’m going anywhere,” he jokes, then grimaces. “Sorry. It’s not the right time to joke.” He releases my hand and steps back. “I’ll leave you guys alone. You must have lots to talk about.”
When he passes Kylen, he hesitantly raises a fist, like he’s not sure his best friend will bump it. But Kylen does and then claps him on the back, letting him know they’re okay.
Before Beck leaves, he turns his head to offer me a last smile, and then walks out.
My room is completely silent, more than it was before Kylen and Beck arrived. The girls next door are shrieking again. Were they always this loud, or am I just noticing it now?
Kylen rubs the back of his neck again. “Can I sit?” He gestures to the spot next to me.
I nod.
As he lowers himself onto my bed, his shoulder knocks into mine. A chill runs down my spine, and I once again feel the heat leaping off his body. I wring my shaky hands in my lap, my heart racing through my body again. I think I might faint again. Or maybe puke. Probably both.
“I’m really sorry, Raven.” He stares at the spot in front of him, his voice quaking. “I should have been brave enough to deliver my letter to you in person. But I thought you would rip it up before even reading it. Everything would have been different if you just…” He shakes his head and sighs. I know what hewanted to say. Everything would be different if I just read the letter. He and I…we could still be together.
I slowly turn my head to him. “What did you write in the letter?”
With his gaze still pasted on the spot before him, he says, “I explained that the six weeks of camp were the best weeks of my life. You became one of my best friends. I woke up every morning super excited because I knew I would be spending the whole day with you, and I went to sleep super excited every night because I knew I would dream about you. You always made me feel heard. You were always there to listen to my problems and complaints. Just being near you made me feel like I was special. You have a way about you that made me feel like I was the most important person in the world. Like I could do anything. You made me want to be the best version of myself.”
He turns his head slightly to steal a peek at me before focusing back on the spot before him. “The dance was the best night of my life. I wished I could bottle it up and experience it over and over again. I knew we would have to go our separate ways a few days later, so I tried so hard to savor every second. I wanted the night to be perfect for you.”
“It was,” I whisper.
“It was for me, too. And when we…when we kissed…” He takes in a sharp breath. “I thought I would die from happiness.” He lays his hands on his knees as his breathing grows labored. “When you said those three words…I don’t know what happened. I just freaked. To this day, I have no idea why I did that. You have no idea how many nights I stayed up late reliving that moment, cursing myself for running away. I think I was scared. I was thrown off guard. I didn’t think you would say it to me. But you did, and I totally froze. Maybe because I don’t have that many people in my life that I’m close to, maybe because I’m not used to being so close to another person, closer than I’veever been to anyone. Maybe because saying those three words made everything real. I didn’t realize until that moment that I gave my heart to you. I didn’t realize how vulnerable I really was. And after losing my parents…well, I guess I was very careful to protect my heart.”
He pauses for a second to focus on his breathing. “But then I realized how silly I was. Why was I running from you? What was I so scared of? You were awesome, the most amazing person in the world. I felt for you just as strongly as you felt for me. Maybe I was worried about losing people I was close to, just like I lost my parents, but I didn’t want that to stop me from experiencing something amazing. I always tried to be positive and look at the bright side. But you were gone before I could explain and then you avoided me. So I wrote it all in the letter. I was heartbroken when I didn’t hear back from you. After a few months, I forced myself to let you go.” He finally turns his head and looks at me. “I’m sorry, Raven. So very sorry. I hate myself for putting you through that.”
I shake my head. “I shouldn’t have avoided you. You think I didn’t notice that you were trying to talk to me? But I was stubborn and too hurt and figured you just wanted to make yourself feel better. I felt stupid for allowing myself to fall for you. But I should have been more mature and at least heard you out. Things could have been different.”
