Beck shuts his eyes, releasing a heavy breath. “There’s something I need to tell you.”
“Okay?”
He scratches the top of his head, something he only does when he’s super nervous. “You’re going to hate me, but I deserve it. Heck, you shouldn’t even be my best friend.”
“Beck, what is it?”
He makes his way to the window, peers out, then faces me. “She didn’t get that letter. I never gave it to her.”
My lungs stop working for a second or two. “What? What are you talking about?”
He shuts his eyes again, releasing another breath. “You were messed up after the dance at camp. You handed me the letter and told me to give it to Raven. I was curious what you wrote to her, so I read it.”
“You read it? That was private, man!”
He holds up his hands. “I know and I’m sorry. I was…” He hangs his head. “I was lonely all summer. My best friend abandoned me to hang out with a girl. Did you even realize you ditched me? When you gave me the letter and I read what it said, that you wanted to keep in touch with her, I thought I would lose my best friend during the year, too. I couldn’t handle you ditching me all year.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “I’m sorry, I didn’t—”
He shakes his head. “I don’t want to make this about me. I figured I’d throw the letter away so you’d forget all about her. I messed up and I’m really sorry. It killed me when you were miserable the months following camp. I wanted to tell you so many times, but I knew you’d be ticked off at me and I didn’t want to lose my best friend.”
My mind foggy, I drop down on my bed and stare at the spot before me. “So all this time, she was so hurt because she thought I ran away from her after she told me she was in love with me. All this time, I thought she ignored me after I poured my heart out to her. But the truth is, she never got the letter.”
Beck nods, looking so miserable it’s like his insides are eating away at him. “I’m really sorry. I don’t know what else to do or say.”
“Why didn’t you tell me after we transferred here? You saw how much it hurt me to be around her. And for her to be around me.”
“I was trying to find the right moment to tell you. Why do you think I kept trying to push you to her, telling you that you had a second chance and all that? I wanted you guys to get back together. To fix what happened. She’s so great. I didn’t see it at camp, but I see it now.” He lowers his eyes. “Also, I didn’t tell you the truth because I was worried you wouldn’t be my friend anymore. I know it’s selfish of me to say that, but you’re my best friend, man. I can’t imagine you not in my life.”
There are so many thoughts and emotions attacking me from all sides right now that I don’t know what to do with myself.
“I need some air.”
I leave the dorm and breathe in the winter air. It’s pretty cold out, but I don’t feel that right now.
I’m mad at him. Of course I’m mad at him. He ruined what could have been something amazing between Raven and me. If she would have gotten the letter, she’d understand how I felt about her and we probably would still be together. No, I know we would still be together. Because there was no way I would ever let that amazing girl go.
I’m also frustrated because I don’t want to be mad at him. He’s my best friend. It was my fault he was unhappy that summer. I totally ditched him and spent pretty much every daywith Raven. I didn’t consider his feelings, so I can’t blame him for what he did. But he should have talked to me about it instead of throwing out the letter. Raven didn’t deserve any of that. She didn’t deserve to have her heart broken.
My legs can’t support me anymore. I lower myself to the ground, rubbing my hand down my face. I’m so confused I don’t know how to feel.
Of course I still want to be his best friend, but at the same time, he lied to me. He betrayed me. He took away something that meant the world to me.
I’m not sure how long I remain out here, and it’s not until someone sits down next to me that I realize it’s starting to get dark out.
“If you want, I can ask Harrington to switch me out of the room,” Beck says. He’s looking straight ahead, as if he can’t meet my gaze.
“Dude, I’m not done being your friend.”
He turns to me, his expression filled with surprise and hope. “But I messed up your life. I’m a bad friend. A bad person. If you want to punch the living daylights out of me, I won’t stop you.”
“I’m not going to punch you, Beck.” I place my hand on his back. “I was a bad friend. I shouldn’t have ditched you and I’m sorry.”
He shakes his head. “That doesn’t excuse what I did.”
“You should have talked to me about it, but we were fifteen. We were just kids.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”
