It poisons,madame,he said. I did not know it then. But I know it now. I have been corrected. Ashemust be. And you? You are here tohelp.To helpme.Help me correct him. Which you will do. Make no mistake.
He was scaring me a little, to be honest.
And what did he think I was going to be able to do about it, anyway?
Lie on top of him, he said.
I beg your pardon? I said.
Lie on top of him, he said. Let yourself sink in. Enter him, show him. Show him what I have shown you. That girl, her feelings, the weather. Then I will leave you to your work. If, that is, you still wish to do it.
My charge’s legs were swollen, his breath terrible, his color bad, his features painted with the early signs of encroaching death, the lips beginning, already, to arrange themselves into the death-sneer.
Why don’tyoudo it? I said.
I no longer have it! the Frenchman cried. I gave it to you. Besides, he has an aversion to me. And is therefore unlikely to receive from me. Do it. Do it now. Lie on top of him. Sink in. Breathe in, breathe out. Then abide there for, perhaps, another full minute. Just to be sure. Come now: no more delays.
Always, in the bygone days, men would tell me with great certainty what I should do and then, if I hesitated, would tell meagain, towering over me, smelling of cigars and mouthwash, superior smirks creeping over their huge-pored faces, and then I would, often, nearly always—well, I woulddoit. I would do whatever that man had asked me to do, within reason, seeing this as a form of kindness on my part, so as to not force the poor fellow, who no doubt had a lot on his mind, to, uh, raise his voice or otherwise become, well, frustrated.
Frustrated with me.
The Frenchman was frowning.
It was always their disappointment that got me.
Even more so than their anger.
I suggested that, rather than entering him, I might, perhaps, hold my forearms above the torso of my charge? Like so? Then briefly dip them in?
I demonstrated, stopping just short of entry.
No, no, lie on top of him, he said. Enter him. Don’t be obtuse. Trust me. It will be more powerful that way. He will be more apt to receive.
Well, I was not the passive woman I had once been.
I had beenelevated,was stronger now, could do whatIthought best.
I’ll try it my way, thanks, I said, and thrust my forearms in.
At which the Frenchman let out a terrible groan.
Idiote!he shouted.
But I could tell, by a certain sensation at the base of my skull and the look that passed over my charge’s face, that, yes, he saw.
Somewhat dimly, somewhat partially.
But he saw.
Saw the Pennsylvania girl.
My God, woman! the Frenchman shouted. Igavethat to you. Do you not see? I no longerhaveit. Here within me. To give.Nor do you have it within you.Quel désastre!You have wasted it! Look: he barely felt it. You have no idea what you have done.Quel imbécile!What an excellent chance you have tonight forfeited!
Well, let’s see, I said. Let’s at least wait and—
His natty suit was suddenly a dull gray and the hat on his cane was no longer spinning.
It was not easy, he said. Extracting that. Bringing it back here.
