Blushing, I hold up my hands and measure about 8 inches, tilting my head to the side to gauge my accuracy. “Give or take.”
“Nice.” Catching her breath, Meg nods with appreciation.
I bury my face in my hands again as Beck picks back up the green marker and writes big dick in all caps in the pros section, underlining it three times for emphasis.
“Oh my god, don’t write that down.” I try to grab the paper, but she holds it out of reach, hiding it behind her back. It takes a moment for us all to regain our composure.
“Even bigger question is does he know how to use it?” Beck asks, raising her eyebrows. Claire chokes on her drink, and Meg reaches over and pats her on the back.
“Well, it’s been a very long time, but I never had any complaints in that department. I just assume he’s got better with age.” I chuckle biting my bottom lip. I can’t believe we are even talking about this.
“Must be nice.” We all look at Meg because now it’s her turn to cover her face, then she shakes her head in disbelief that she said that aloud. “Pretend you didn’t hear that,” she mumbles into her palms.
“My longest and best relationship has been with my vibrator. I love that guy.” Claire shrugs, taking another sip of her ice coffee.
“But seriously, if you are lucky enough to find someone who respects, encourages, and loves you, it’s worth trying again,” Meg says with a heavy sigh and a sad smile.
Beck looks at Meg and nods her head in agreement. “Or at least consider it.”
“Everyone keeps throwing around the word love. Why does anyone think he still loves me?” I ask my friends.
They all look at each other.
“Do I need to start another list?” Beck sits back up, ready to tear out another piece of paper.
“No more lists.” I shake my head emphatically.
“He’s always finding excuses to touch you. I’ve seen it with my own eyes how he touches your arm or back when you are talking,” Meg says.
That is true and he also kisses me on the cheek or forehead when he says goodbye. Something he always did when we were dating.
“I’ve seen the way he watches you like you are the only person in the room,” Claire adds.
Maybe? I know I’m always searching for him.
“Logan talks about you all the time. At work he finds ways to bring you up in conversation. He thinks he’s being sneaky, but I’m on to him and I still give him shit at least once daily.” Beck taps her temple with a red nail.
“The real question is are you scared that he loves you or are you afraid of loving him back?” Claire sits back in her chair and adjusts her sunglasses on her nose.
“I don’t know,” I confess. “My feelings are all over the place.”
“If we can all refer back to the minutes of our last book club meeting...” Beck flips through the stack of coloured paper, “I believe I asked if you would consider talking to him about the breakup to get some closure.”
“There are no minutes, you fool.” Claire bends to grab the paper back from Beck and smacks her on the shoulder with it.
“Maybe there should be. Meg, will you be the secretary?” Beck laughs. “But seriously, Hannah, I think you should really consider talking to him about it. How are you going to start fresh if you have unresolved issues from the past?”
“Since when did you become an expert on relationships?”
“Clearly, I’m no expert. Braden is proof of that. However, I’m not a stranger to therapy, and I can guarantee any good counsellor will say that healthy communication is important in every relationship.”
I pick up the abandoned pros and cons list and a red marker off the ground and write I’m afraid – he broke my heart. Looking up, I meet Beck’s understanding eyes as she smiles softly.
“Now you just have to decide if you are willing to let him help mend it.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Talking to the girls helped tremendously, but when I wake up the next morning, I decide there is someone else I want to get input from.
