“Brian Marshall. He says he didn’t see anything but called 911 when he came across the accident.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? Brian who spent his afternoon slandering my dad online. That Brian? He just happened to find his dead body?” I rage, pulling at my hair. This is insane.
Mason remains calm through my outburst and answers my questions. “According to Brian, he was at Maggie’s most of the day and was returning home when he spotted your dad’s car. He called 911 and waited at the scene for emergency services to arrive. We will follow up with Maggie to confirm when Brian left the bakery and put a call out to see if there are any other witnesses.” He looks thoughtfully at my mom for a moment before continuing. “Though I am very unhappy about what happened online this afternoon, I believe the investigation will show that this is nothing but a tragic accident.”
“What else will happen?” Logan remains calm as he gathers all the information I am going to need in the coming days.
“The body will be sent for an autopsy, and a toxicology report will be done. That’s just protocol, we don’t expect to find anything.”
“Richard hasn’t had anything beyond an occasional glass of wine in years. He would never do drugs,” Beth interjects. “I mean I go to a lot of work functions with him, and he almost always declines alcohol when it’s offered.”
“As I said, I’m not concerned about it. After the investigation is complete, his body will be released to the funeral home. I don’t expect it will take that long.” I can tell that this is difficult for him. When you know everyone in town it must be hard being the one delivering this kind of news to their families.
I store all the information he has provided and lead them both to the door.
“Thank you for everything, I’ve got it from here.” I open the door so they can leave. The snow has finally stopped, but the cold remains. A plow passed by again and cleared the road.
“I’m very sorry for your loss, Hannah. We put a call into victim support services. Someone will reach out in the morning. Their services are voluntary, but I strongly suggest that you let them help you.” Mason’s eyes are kind, but I see the pain in them. He extends his hand to mine and I shake it. “We will be in touch. If you or Grace have any questions, please let me know. Beth has my card.”
Oh, I have plenty of questions but unfortunately one of the only people who can answer them is now in the county morgue. The other person is a complete mystery to me.
The officers hesitate briefly and then concede that I have everything in hand. Slowly, I shut the door and take a deep breath before turning back to the room and my mother. I am aware that Logan and Beth are waiting for me to decide the next steps. I can reflect later how I am currently the person most qualified to care for my mom’s immediate needs. She continues to cry unconsolably, barely able to catch her breath, as I go to her.
“Mom?” I place my hand on her arm, trying to get her attention. “Have you taken any PRNs today?” She has emergency anxiety medication to take as needed. This definitely qualifies as an emergency, but I don’t want to give her anyif she has already taken something beyond her normal mood stabilizing medication.
“I don’t think so,” she chokes out through her never-ending tears.
“Good enough. Logan, can you grab the bottle out of the drawer beside the sink? It should be at the very back, behind everything. And a glass of water too please?”
“On it.” He dashes to the kitchen to collect what I need. It pays to have emergency meds stashed in strategic places for immediate use. I have been away at school for the last couple of years, but these protocols were put in place before I hit junior high.
He is back just as quickly as he left, handing me the bottle of pills and a glass of water.
“Mom?” I try to connect with her again. “I need you to take this pill and put it under your tongue to dissolve. Can you do that for me please?”
Her hand shakes as she takes the tiny, white pill and does as I ask. After a moment, I offer her the cold water to wash away the nasty after taste. Putting it under her tongue will help the medication get into her system quicker than just swallowing. It won’t take away her pain and grief, but I am hoping it will slow down her thoughts and help her rest.
She looks at me with swollen, wet eyes. “I can’t do this, Hannah. I don’t want to do this.” I know what she means. This means live. She doesn’t want to live. Suicide ideation isn’t new to me. Hearing my mom say it always induces fear and sadness in me, but tonight I worry that this may be her breaking point. I silently remind myself to stay strong. She is going to need all my strength. Kneeling on the floor beside her, I take her hand.
“We will figure it out, okay? I am here to help you, and we will get through this together.”
“I don’t think I can, Hannah. I don’t want to do this anymore, I’m so tired.” Me too, Mom. Me too.
My mom isn’t a large woman, but tonight she looks like she’s drowning under the weight of her pyjamas. “I know you are tired. I promise we will be okay.” My voice trembles slightly. I can’t promise anything. Who am I trying to convince? I don’t know what I’m talking about. I don’t think anything will be okay ever again, but I need to keep my shit together for her. The only thing I know for sure is we both can’t fall apart at the same time.
“Can I help you into bed? We can talk about everything after getting some sleep, okay?” I say as calmly as I can manage. Fuck I’m spent.
Beth takes a tentative step forward. She looks exhausted as well. “Let me take her up to bed, Hannah. I will stay with her until morning. Jackson is spending the night at his dad’s house, so I don’t need to go home. Let Logan look after you.”
Without waiting for my answer, she goes to my mom and gently helps her to her feet and leads her towards the stairs, with an arm around her waist. She looks back and meets my eyes. “I’m so incredibly sorry, Hannah. For everything,” she says with a hitch in her voice.
“You won’t be able to leave her, even after she goes to sleep,” I remind her. “There is a couch in the bedroom you can sleep on. Blankets should be in a basket beside it.
“I know, honey,” she says with a weak smile. “Please let me do this.” She then looks to Logan and says, “Make sure Hannah gets some rest. The next few days will be difficult for everyone.”
Logan steps behind me, pulling my back to his chest, engulfing me in a warm comforting hug. “I’ve got her, Mom. Just take care of Mrs. Knight.”
Beth slightly nods her head as she leads my mother away.
