"Ma'am, you grabbed and then continued to fondle my balls. That is assault in these parts."
"I was going for your gun, oh my god," she squeals.
"And now I'll add attempted robbery of a law enforcement officer as well."
"This is insane. There was a rat in my bed. A rat in my bed. I touched it. It was wet and—"
"It's an otter."
"They're literally the same thing," she wails, full of conviction.
"One is a mustelid, and the other is a murid."
"It was self-defense."
"Tell that to the judge. Turn around, please. Unless you want to add resisting arrest to your rap sheet?"
"You're insane," she says, nodding enthusiastically. "Utterly insane, and yes, any judge worth their bench is going to think the same."
I spin her around and handcuff her wrists behind her. She's back in my personal space again, her body as hot as it was before when I held her against me.
I march her out of the bedroom of the single-story house and straight to my car. The scent of her is all over me now, and fuck, it seems to be flowing through my veins. How am I going to get it off me?
With the door slammed and her shut inside my vehicle, I rub my hand down my face and exhale.
"I'm a lawyer, you know," she says from the back seat as soon as I climb into the car. By the sound of it, I can't tell if she's convincing herself or me.
"Ma'am, this is my town. You follow my rules when you're here."
"I'm going to sue you for everything you're worth, right down to those ugly, scruffy boots on your feet."
I glance at her through the rearview mirror.
"My mom made these for me before she died," I say solemnly.
"I... I didn't know. I'm so sorry... I... I’m so sorry..."
It was worth seeing her face go from complete outrage to embarrassment to sincere empathy. Then I chuckled.
"Oh my gosh. You're the first sheriff I've ever come across and the worst."
I'm just doing my job, I tell myself. If she were six-foot-eight, a guy with a beard and a Harley parked outside, I'd do the same thing. I'm the law around these parts, and she broke it. That's what I keep telling myself.
"Look, I'm new here, okay? I don't know the rules yet. I didn't know that thing was a national treasure," she says after a few moments of silence.
"That thing is sixteen years old and the most beloved member of our town. His name is Benjamin Lawrence. Show some respect."
"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. No disrespect, but it...Benjamin Lawrence came after me."
"What are you doing here?"
"In this car? I'm being arrested by a truly obnoxious, clearly bored county sheriff after being viciously attacked by a disgus—a—by their national treasure."
"No, I mean in Candy Creek."
"I just told you I bought the Richards house."
"Yes, why?"
