“SO YOU COULDN’T FINDa way out of this, either?” Mina groans as I swing by Nevermore Bookshop to pick her up. Mina is blind, although she can see light and some basic shapes. She’s the best amateur sleuth in the Nevermore Coven, but she’s a little worried about how she’ll fare in a pole dancing class. She has her guide dog Oscar’s lead in her hand and a large gym bag slung over her shoulder. I’m surprised to see her three husbands scrambling out the door behind her.
“Beth had all sorts of creative threats.” I glare at her husband, Moriarty. “I think she’s learning fromyou. She told me that she’d change all the door locks on my new property with the sensors in the village market.”
“Oooh, that’s a good one. I’ve made a mental note.” Morrie slings an Hermès satchel over his shoulder. I eye the bag with envy. Such immaculate stitching. If he everthinksabout crossing me, I shall buryhim alive and steal it. He will learn a valuable lesson and I will look fabulous.
“Why the entourage?” I ask Mina as our group wanders in the direction of Beth’s studio. “I thought we agreed that the fewer witnesses to our humiliation, the better.”
“When they found out what Beth’s event was about, I couldn’t convince them to stay home.” Mina rolls her eyes.
“We’re not missing an opportunity to watch Mina swing around a pole.” Heathcliff – another of Mina’s husbands – pats the binoculars slung around his neck. “We intend to be a thoroughly engaged audience.”
“I tried to bribe them with snacks to stay home.” Mina groans. “I even tried to lock Heathcliff in the bathroom. But we’re stuck with them.”
“We wouldn’t dream of missing this,” Quoth – also Mina’s husband – beams. “We’re here to support you in your scantily-clad dancing dreams.”
“This is more like a nightmare.” Mina rolls her eyes again. “How did I let Beth talk me into this? I couldn’t dance even when I had vision. What do you think, Arabella? Are you any good at dancing?”
“I am sufficient.” I have no intention of telling my friends what I used to do. Until Beth started showing us videos of pole dancers and going to classes in Grimdale, I didn’t even know my evocative dance style had caught on and become a staple of modern erotic entertainment. Women who don’t evenneedmen to shower them with money learn pole dancing for fitness andself-expression. It’s fascinating. If I’d realised I could dance for myself instead of for the male gaze, I might have stuck with it.
I doubt dancing could have earned me a house at Sanctus or my closet full of designer clothes. But who knows? I amquitegood.
Although tonight I may consider pretending to be not so good, so I’m not forced to reveal my secrets. But that shouldn’t be too difficult. I’ll just copy Mina.
As a group, we wander across the green and behind the Rose & Wimple to the old wattle-and-daub stable that Beth has transformed into her new yoga and pole dance studio. As we round the corner, I seea shadow dart around the building – probably a teenage boy hoping for a peek at something salacious. A sparkly paper banner above the renovated stable doors reads “Grand Opening” and garish pop music blasts from within.
Why am I doing this again?
“You made it!” Beth runs out and throws her arms around Mina, nearly knocking Oscar’s harness from her hand. Beth smells like a hyacinth bush got into a fight with a bowl of mushroom soup. She goes in to hug me, but I step back and shake my head. This outfit isGucci. You don’t ruin a Gucci exercise outfit by hugging bouncy, sweaty, fungi-obsessed yoga instructors. “You have to see what I’ve done with the place. I’m so happy with how everything’s turned out.”
She grabs Mina’s hand and leads her inside. People mill around a small waiting area, visibly disturbed by the candy-pink walls adorned with garbled inspirational sayings, like a unicorn threw up on a Mark Manson book. In the corner, a trestle table groans beneath the weight of all the food people brought along. Reginald has a little stand in the corner where he ladles out his famous hot chocolate. In another corner, Lilac is shaking cocktails for a growing line of vampires and humans. I smell the familiar tang of blood cocktails. Just the thing to add to a heady mix of seductive dancing, vampires and humans. This will be afascinatingnight.
I add the crisps and sweets Winnie and I bought to the pile.
“I told everyone they didn’t need to bring food. I have that sorted.” Beth gestures to a pitcher of foul-smelling green juice and a platter of mushroom brownies – no doubt the source of her interesting perfume. “I wanted to introduce everyone to my vitality drink sachets! But I’m blessed to have so many people here supporting this new venture. It seems like everyone in Argleton wants to get fit, have fun, and nurture their souls all at the same time.”
“I prefer my soul unnurtured, like a garden left to ruin,” I mutter.
Beth is too busy to hear. “I was a little worried that the pole dancing would be too risqué for the village, but I think it’s just what we all need to get our minds off the murders and—Oh look, Arabella, thereare some of your friends from the estate. Maybe you can find out more about those Thralled workers.”
Beth nudges me towards the doorway, where—
“Alyra?” I gasp as my new client struts through the door, followed by a vampiric entourage – two older vampires and three newly minted Upyr by the looks of them, still retaining the human colour in their cheeks and revelling in their newfound immortality.
“We found this flyer in our mailboxes.” Alyra holds up a square of pink paper. “We had to see what it was all about.”
“What’s this?” I grab the flyer from her hand and scan the text.
Does your blood run cold at the thought of exercising?
Do you want to stay young and vital for millennia?
Does your afterlife need a little spiritual alignment?
Come along to Zen and Tonic for our Upyr specials:
Upyr-only pole class, Tuesday evenings at 8 pm (blood energy drinks to follow)
10% off immortality elixirs
