“What happened?”
“It’s fine. I’m over it. But I just…I can’t do this sightseeing stuff around London.”
“‘It’s fine’ is not an answer to ‘what happened?’. Rowan, I need you to do this for me. If Kelly thinks something is up, she’ll dig around until she catches us. At least if she’s here, I can keep an eye on her. I’ve got you guys to help me keep her safe. But if she finds out the truth?—”
“I know. Flynn was asking her about polyamory today, and he got a big lecture about how marriage was between ‘one man and one woman.’”
“What?”Great, just what I need – Flynn sticking his nose in with all the subtlety of Elon Musk launching a Tesla into space.I told them all not to bring up that stuff with Kelly. I didn’t want to put the idea into her head. It figured explicit instructions would go in one of Flynn’s ears and out the other.
Rowan nodded. “It’s fine, he was making up fake guided tours, and he happened to do one about the royals having multiple partners. I don’t think she suspects anything, but she does have strong opinions.”
“Is that why you don’t want to hang out with Kelly anymore?” We hadn’t talked openly about Rowan’s feelings for Corbin, but I could see them written all over his face every time they were in a room together. I always thought Corbin was completely clueless, but earlier, when we were all on the mezzanine, he was staring at Rowan like he was seeing him for the first time and Ireallythought they were going to kiss, but Rowan pulled away. Why did he do that, if it was what he wanted? “I know her worldview could use some work, but she grew up in a pretty sheltered place and she’s never actuallymetsomeone who’s openly queer. I know her – once she found out that about you, she’d never be able to say?—”
“It’s not that. I swear. I like Kelly. I want to help. I’ll do anything else. I just can’t go out there again.”
I wanted to snap at him that we all needed to be strong now, that some of us weren’t shirking away from our duties even if that meant having to commit murder, but then he looked up at me.
Dark rings circled his eyes and tears streamed down his cheeks. His irises swam with that intense pain he carried with him always, the weight of his past dragging him inside himself, shutting him off from me.
I reached up and stroked his cheek, kissing a salty tear just as it rolled over the edge of his chin. What was it about the city itself that had Rowan so scared?
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I know I’m weak.”
“There’s nothing weak about you. I’ll make some excuse to Kelly and find you something else to do. But I need to knowwhy. I know it’s hard for you to talk about this stuff, but I have to understand what you’re so afraid of so I can kick its ass.” I squeezed his hand. “We’re in this together, Rowan. Me and you and all the guys. We can’t help you if you shut us out.”
“I don’t want to lose you.”
“We’re in complete agreement about that. I don’t want to lose you, either, which is why it’s so important you tell me what happened. Help me understand. It’s about when you used to live in London, isn’t it?”
Rowan curled up into a ball, hugging his legs to his chest and burying his face between his knees so he didn’t have to look at me. “If I tell you, you won’t want me here anymore. You’ll make me leave the coven, and I’ll be alone again.”
My heart broke hearing him talk like that. “Don’t make the mistake of putting words in my mouth. I’m telling you that I’m not going to do that. Nothing you tell me will make me hate you, so spill. This is where you lived before Corbin brought you to Briarwood?”
He lifted his head slightly, his eyes meeting mine. Pain etched across his beautiful features. “I grew up very close by, in Haringey. I’ve walked these streets so many times, and being back here now – it’s like I see ghosts everywhere. When I ran out this morning, a boy came up to me with an anarchist pamphlet, and I jumped into the street to avoid him. It was a full-on panic attack. I nearly got hit by a bus. Then I had another one at the Tower of London. It was something Kelly said—” he noticed my expression and rubbed his cheek against mine. “It’s not her fault. She summoned another ghost. They’re everywhere in this city.”
“These aren’t the first panic attacks you’ve ever had, are they?“
Rowan shook his head, his deadlocks fanning over his shoulders. “You know about the counting, and some of the other tics I have.”
“Like cutting all the vegetables into perfect squares?”
“Yes,” he smiled, and my heart twisted with his pain. “Exactly like that. Sometimes I wash my hands a lot, or I do two hundred sit-ups. Or I pluck leaves off the seedlings in the garden so they each have an even number. Doing those things helps stave off the attacks. It’s like, my brain tells me that something terrible is going to happen to someone I care about unless I go through these rituals. If I don’t count the windows every night, the guys will all die in a fire. If I don’t cut the vegetables perfectly symmetrical, Corbin will be poisoned. Even if I know it’s bonkers, I can’t control the need to get them right. If I don’t do them, my stomach goes all tight and my chest caves in and I can’t breathe. The guys always just let me do my own thing, and I haven’t had an attack for a couple of years now.”
I kissed him. Rowan was so beautiful, inside and out. I couldn’t imagine what he described – being convinced that something terrible was going to happen, living in fear every single day, believing that you were solely responsible for stopping it.
“So why now? Is it the Slaugh? Is it what we saw at the church?”
“That’s part of it, but it’s also?—”
The door burst open, and Flynn, Blake and Arthur barreled inside. Flynn shut the door behind him. Rowan rubbed his eyes and scooted away from me, covering himself with the blanket so no one could see his face.
“Your sister and Jane have gone out shopping at the market while Connor has his nap,” Flynn said. “Quick, give us the lowdown on what Isadora said.”
I sighed. I knew my moment with Rowan had been shattered. With my hand on Rowan’s knee, I told them about the ritual and the fact I was supposed to be dead, and that Isadora knew some kind of secret, but she wouldn’t say what.
“Clara texted earlier,” Arthur said. “She says Obelix is doing very well, and the wards are still intact. No one in the village will speak to her, and the tourist office has stopped encouraging people to visit the castle. She hasn’t found Smithers yet, but shehasfound another High Priestess willing to meet with us – Gwen O’Shea of the Avebury Coven. One of Gwen’s witches has access to records that could help track down Smithers.”
I shuddered. “I don’t know if I want to meet any more of my would-be murderers.”
