We slid apart. Rowan disposed of the condom while I pulled on my robe and tied it around my waist. I watched his wiry frame bent over the trash, and the reality of what just happened hit me.
Two guys.
I slept with two different guys in the same night.
Two of mytenants.
Two members of my coven.
I rubbed my eyes, unable to believe that it was real, that I’d really done that. What would Mom and Dad say if they knew? I may not have shared their views on religion, but I’d always thought I was with them about not being a wanton slut. And yet, here I was, standing in the kitchen, where the food wasprepared, having just had my fifth orgasm of the day. If this is being a wanton slut, then I am all for it.
What would they?—
They can’t say anything, because they’re dead.
And there it was, the pain that drew me back to the present.
They’re dead and I’m in pieces, every part of me scattered across the cosmos. I am ash and dust and I wish I could put myself back together again but I don’t know how and when I’m with these guys, it feels as though being broken is okay, it’s allowed.
But it will never bring the Crawfords back. It will never heal me. I’ll never be whole again.
Rowan straightened up. When he saw my face, his own features crumpled. “Maeve, are you okay?”
“No, I mean, yes. I mean, I—” My words choked on a sob. My pain reflected in Rowan’s eyes, and I couldn’t bear it. My gaze fell to the scars along his thighs.
I can’t do this. This was a mistake. I can’t bear his pain as well as mine.
“I’m sorry,” I breathed. I turned on my heel and fled for the stairs, tears streaming down my cheeks.
CHAPTER THIRTY
MAEVE
Everyone grieves differently,Arthur said.You have to give yourself permission to do whatever it takes to get yourself through the pain.
And then you have to forgive yourself for all the shit you end up doing.
Arthur’s grief had driven him to hurt someone. Rowan’s pain had given him the furious need to control.
And me?
The loss of my pastor father and god-fearing housewife mother had driven me into the arms of two of my new housemates.
In thesamenight.
Was that slutty? I had no idea. I didn’t have a moral barometer, but I’m pretty sure by my parents’ standards, it was. I could call Kelly and ask her, and I knew I would soon. But for the moment, my head was too messed up.
Corbin was still sleeping in my bed, so I padded through the empty great hall and slipped outside into the courtyard. The night air brushed my body, fanning the robe across my bare skin. A thin line of red snaked across the corner of the sky – sunrise was not far away.
I slumped into one of the overstuffed bean bags and stared up at the sky, mapping the constellations I recognized. Even the sky was different here. I wondered if I would be able to find a local astronomy club.
But why?I wiped a tear from the corner of my eye.I’m not going to MIT. I won’t be getting into the space program. My parents won’t be watching me graduate with honors.
Nothing in my life was turning out the way I hoped. Now what was I? A slutty witch living in a castle in a foreign land, trying to protect the world from a fae invasion.
I laughed as fat tears rolled down my cheeks. This time, I let them fall. The whole thing sounded completely ridiculous. Because itwas. I could barely even think about what I’d learned and seen over the last week without wanting to commit myself. Maybe I should?
I wasn’t sure what I believed any more. I didn’t really think I was a witch, but I couldn’t deny that I’d definitely been feeling the heightened sex drive Corbin had referred to. The fact my pussy still ached from having two different guys inside me spoke to that.
