I rubbed my head. “You saw Quoth? Where is he? He didn’t come home again last night.”
“I was gazing out the open window, up at the glorious clouds, and pondering the nature of the universe, when he flew inside over my head and shat on my face. It’s an important lesson that all philosophers should spend more time questioning the universe than opening their mouths to talk about it.”
“Yes, that’s an excellent lesson. But I need you to keep your questions toyourself.” I took his arm and guided him out of the Philosophy room. “I know it’s difficult for you to understand, but the world is a very different place from the Athens you left behind. No one wants a half-naked old man quizzing them on the meaning of life while they’re hunting for the latest Jeffery Archer, got it?”
“But what do philosophers of your time do?” His jaw wobbled.
“They’re on social media.” I pulled out my phone and showed him how to scroll through Youtube. “Look, this is Peter Jordanson; he’s a professor of philosophy and he has half a million followers. If you want to probe the mysteries of the universe, do it in ten-second video content about the war to save our corruptible youth.”
I left Socrates happily watching Peter Jordanson videos and went to look for Quoth. I found him curled up in bed, the curtains drawn, his long eyelashes tangled together. I shook his shoulder, but he didn’t stir. I left him to sleep and headed back downstairs just as a group entered the shop. I assumed they were another bus tour group (the overabundance of orthopedic shoes was a big clue). But instead of spreading out and exclaiming over the quaint reading nooks and knickknacks around the shop, they marched straight to the counter in military formation. I recognized the woman at the front as Dorothy Ingram, the hyper-religious matron who I’d once thought guilty of murdering members of the Argleton Banned Book Club. We managed to clear Dorothy’s name, but she’d never exactly been grateful. I didn’t think Dorothy Ingram could be anything other than sour.
“Mina.” Dorothy’s mouth pursed into a fine line as she rapped her stick on the floor. Her tone implied she’d been expecting to find me cavorting with demons and was a little disappointed I was instead pricing new stock.
“Dorothy, it’sniceto see you again.” I couldn’t resist adding, “Are you excited about the Halloween festival?”
“Hardly.Mabel has turned our beloved village into a pageant of demonic depravity.” Dorothy frowned. “Even our dear new vicar, the Reverend Mosley, has been corrupted. He’s actually allowing a Satanic choir to perform in our church tomorrow! Even with all the hellish goings-on in the graveyard.”
“Oh, yes, I heard about the grave-robbing. Such a shame.” I tried not to wince as Victor crashed around down in the cellar.
“It’s not just disturbing the dead! That poor girl was murdered there – by Satanists, of course. The police found a goat skull near the body. There’s a Satanic cult in Argleton using the graveyard for their dark rituals. Just last week Hazel saw a man and a woman havingcarnal relationsbehind the mausoleum. It’s positivelydepraved.”
“Sounds like a typical Saturday night to me,” Morrie piped up from behind the poetry shelves.
“This is no laughing matter, Mr. Moriarty.” Dorothy’s cheeks flushed red with righteous indignation. “I’ve read all about these Satanic cults – animal sacrifices, ritual murders,necrophilia. And it’s all in preparation for their bloody Samhain ritual. Desperate measures must be taken to preserve the poor souls of Argleton from the influence of Satan. I’d like to purchase these books.”
She slid a list across the desk. I handed it to Morrie, who read through the titles with a raised eyebrow. “TheClavicle of Solomon, TheBook of Soyga, the Saducismus Triumphatus, theRohonc Codex… These are some of our rarest occult books. Are you looking to summon Beelzebub for a little depraved carnal relations yourself?”
“We’re holding a book burning.” Dorothy sniffed. “We’ve raised the funds to purchase these books so that we can make sure no innocent soul will lay hands on them.”
What?
I shook my head. “You can’t burn these. Some of them are important historical texts—”
“They are vile tomes written to corrupt good Christian minds. They are the work of Lucifer and his demons, and they must be burned. But since I know you both clearly have sympathy for the devil—”
I nodded my head. “It’s a great Stones song.”
“—and I knew you’d never hand over these books willingly, we, the committee for the Defense against Immorality, Adultery, Bestiality, Lucifer and the Occult—” she gestured to her posse “—have raised the money to purchase them. So hand them over.”
“You know, your committee name spells DIABLO,” Morrie said.
I snorted back a laugh. Dorothy’s face went so red I swore steam would come out her ears.
“He’s right, Dorothy,” Cassandra Irons said feebly. “Defense against Immorality, Adultery, Bestiality, Lucifer and the Occult spells DIABLO—”
“Yes, well, that was a deliberate act to draw attention to the importance of our cause.” Dorothy rapped her stick for emphasis. “It highlights how Satan has penetrated every layer of our lives. You haven’t got those books yet. Please hurry, I don’t have all day.”
“I’m sorry,” Morrie said sweetly. “We’ve just this minute sold out of all these books.”
“Every single one?” Dorothy narrowed her eyes.
“What can I say?” he shrugged. “It’s the Satan-worshippers in this town. They’re insatiable for knowledge.”
“And you’re not just saving them for this Satanic meetup you’ve got planned?” Dorothy thrust a flyer under my nose. It was one of the advertisements I’d placed in the window, welcoming a visiting occultist for a lecture on necromancy as part of the festival.
“Of course not.” I batted my eyelashes. “I’ve got a whole new batch of evil occult tomes arriving for that.”
“This is no laughing matter.” Dorothy’s stick rapped against the desk. “An innocent woman has been killed in our graveyard by a depraved Satan-worshipper, and yet we’re continuing with this heathen festival that invites Lucifer into our midst. Mark my words, Mina – the committee for the Defense against Immorality, Adultery, Bestiality, Lucifer and the Occult intends to do something about it.”
