I mean, I was all for a little experimentation. Morrie had handcuffs and all sorts of fun things in his room. But Roland Crabapple was old and gross. I’d never want his cold hands anywhere near me.
“Mmmm,” Tabitha purred, leaning back against Roland and tilting her chin back, exposing her neck for another of his wet kisses. “It has been quite a… pleasurable trip. I’ve been showing Roland the sights of Argleton. We spent all day yesterday visiting the arboretum and the botanical gardens. Roland gets so excited around plants and trees, it’s positively enthralling…”
“Yes, the wonders of nature inspire my work. If you’ll excuse me, ladies. I need the gents.” Roland flashed me a sleazy smile before reaching up to unbuckle the chain from Tabitha’s neck so he could slide into the crowd.
Tabitha leaned over, a devilish smile on her face. “He’s amazing. Isn’t he?”
“Um, sure. He’s shot some iconic designers. Are you sure he’s the right fit for the Argleton charity calendar?”
“Of course,” Tabitha beamed. “Only the best for our village. Now, you haven’t forgotten we’ll be there bright and early at 5AM. Is it okay if I move around the decorations on the tree? Roland will need things to be just so—”
“That’s just the thing, Tabitha. There’s no tree. Someone stole it last night.”
She gasped. “That’s horrible.”
Her surprise seemed to be genuine, but she could just be a good actress.
“Yes, it is. All the presents for the charity are gone, too.” I slipped the earring out of my purse. I had a better plan for how I’d catch our thief. “Luckily, I know people who can help us get to the bottom of the mystery. We’ll bring down the full force of the law on their asses. My flatmate Jo happens to be a forensics expert. She’s coming in first thing tomorrow to do a full investigation. The police are, of course, taking this matter very seriously. I’m confident that anyone sneaking around in our shop will be in for a nasty surprise when DS Wilson comes knocking.”
“Oh, no,” Tabitha breathed.
“Oh, yes.” I nodded vigorously. “The robber dropped this earring. Tonight when we get back to the shop, I’m going to place it into an evidence bag and leave it on Heathcliff’s desk for Jo to analyze. I’m sure she’ll find traces of DNA that can link us to the thief.”
“That’s a good idea,” Tabitha said weakly, knocking back her wine in a single gulp and reaching for Roland’s. “This villain must pay.”
“I couldn’t agree more.” I slipped the earring back into my pocket.
Roland returned from the bathroom. “I wanted to ask you, Mina. Would we be able to borrow your bird for our photo shoot? He’s quite a remarkable creature.”
“Croak,” Quoth agreed with Roland’s assessment.If only he knew.
“I’ve been telling Roland all about the raven,” Tabitha said, finishing off Roland’s wine. “How Quoth is kind of a store mascot, and how that Mr. Heathcliff seems like a grumpy old brute but actually saves all these animals. First that bird, and then that grumpy cat. He doesn’t even mind all the defecation.”
“I feel a personal affinity to ravens,” Roland reached over to pet Quoth’s head. “They’re some of the most intelligent animals to exist. And this guy reminds me of that poem, ‘Once upon a midnight dreary. While I pondered, weak and weary—’”
“Croak.” Quoth shot the photographer a warning look.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” I said.
But Roland was on a roll. “I studied the classics at Cambridge, you see. I’m a lover of great literature. I can recite the great works by heart. ‘Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore—’”
“Croak.” Quoth flapped his wings and took off, hovering just above Roland’s head.This is your last warning.
“While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door—”
“Croak!”
SPLAT.
I whipped out my phone and snapped a picture just a giant glob of raven poop landed on Roland Crabapple’s bald head.
“Thanks, Roland,” I said brightly. “That one’s for the shop’s Christmas cards.”
Chapter Nine
“Do you want me to wait up with you?” Heathcliff asked as I smoothed a blanket over the leather couch. We’d spent the rest of the eveningnot-so-subtlyspreading the word around the fete that Jo would be conducting her forensic investigation. If a guilty party wanted to wipe any remaining prints or evidence from the scene, or recover their lost earring from Heathcliff’s desk, they’d have to sneak back into the shop tonight. I’d be here waiting for them.
Jo was visiting her cousins in Scotland for the holidays. Even if she were home, she probably wouldn’t conduct a full-on forensic investigation for a Christmas tree robbery, but the village didn’t need to know that.
