Dad cares about Nani, though. He isn’t as close with my aunt’s family since Mum’s death, but Nani is different. She’s the closest direct link he has to my mother, apart from me. Nani is important.
‘Her health is fine,’ I say patiently. ‘But she talks about Nanaa like he’s still around.’
Dad hangs up his utility belt on the hat-stand in the hall. ‘Maybe, in her mind, he is.’
‘Doesn’t that bother you?’
He pauses before replying. ‘I don’t think it’s awful.’
A little knife slices through my heart. Sometimes it’s these tiny moments that get you. Or maybe it’s just been a shit week. First the business with Harris Derwent, and Craig Davies, then Nick and Robbie’s announcements, and now Nani…
I know why Dad doesn’t think it’s awful to believe the person who you loved most in the world is still around. Even after four years I wish I could get up one morning and see my mother preparing breakfast in the kitchen. The wishing makes a small, but very deep, glassy-black wound inside me every time I let it. But I don’t let it as much as I used to.
‘Nick’s leaving Ouyen,’ I blurt out.
Dad walks over and pats my shoulder gently. ‘Nothing you weren’t expecting, eh?’
‘No, I know. But…’
‘Imagine you’ll be telling me the same thing one day. Y’know, studying in Melbourne, or Adelaide maybe. What kids do.’
I consider the residency concept for one second – tantalising, terrifying, impossible – before shaking my head at him. ‘Dad,I’mnot leaving.’
Dad takes his hand away. ‘Okay. Right. Well, come on then. Help me out the back for a second? I wanna move that engine block winch.’
Out in the workshop Dad tosses me gloves, gives instructions. The winch is easy, and physical, and I don’t need to think about anything else for a while. Which is good – I’m done thinking for the day.
I try to let go of my conversations with Robbie and Nick and Nani, concentrate on the rough weight of the metal and the smell of grease. Then I wash up and collect everything I need for a shoot, and go lose myself in the minute texture of mistletoe, the squirming smother of its growth.
