I remember dragging my arm off my face and turning to Harris. My vision flashed white from the glare, and when I propped myself on one elbow to look around, everything was sepia-toned. Harris looked golden. It was like everything amazing about him was suddenly highlighted. I wanted him so much it was like a physical pain.
So I just…reached out.
He looked so beautiful, and the emotions were so strong inside me, and it was so easy. And the way we caught fire… I can’t think about it without feeling it, deep inside. I can’t stop smiling.
Harris puts his hand in my lap while he’s driving so we can hold hands. I lean my head against his arm. We drove in with this companionable feeling, we were comfortable with each other. But now, driving out, it’s as if something has melted in each of us and we want to run together. The early afternoon sun flares off the rear-view mirror, the visor, and we’ve got the windows down on both sides.
I put the radio on. It’s the end of an old Nick Cave song, and Harris starts singing along. I’m somehow not surprised to discover his voice is a warm baritone. He smiles while he sings, hair blowing in his face, and he glances at me until I laugh and join in.
Is this the guy who was closed-off and broken? Seriously – is this the same guy? I can’t say it’s like he’s let his personality out for the first time because that’s not true: I’ve seen him, I’ve seen the real Harris, seen him laugh and think and feel, heard his nightmares and his dreams. But how much of each of us was caught up in holding ourselves back? It’s as if we can finally relax around each other.
There are so many things I want. I want to lie on my bed with him, just touching. I want to start kissing him and never stop. I want this drive to last forever, but of course it doesn’t. When we arrive at the pipe factory where my car’s parked, we both sigh. As the Pitbull slows, Harris exhales so low his shoulders sink right down.
He pops the handbrake, squeezes my hand. ‘How’re you going? Are you okay?’
‘I’m okay.’ Once I’m smiling into his eyes, I can’t look away. ‘I’m great.’
‘I really want you to be sure about this.’ Harris leans his forehead against mine, watches his own fingers run lightly up from my knee. ‘Lotta people would say you’re insane to get involved with me. With all the shit I’m doing now, I’m inclined to agree with them.’
I lift his chin. ‘Harris. You’re a good guy. I’d be insanenotto get involved with you.’
‘I know I called you to the house with Reggie, but I don’t want you anywhere near this stuff,’ he says fervently. ‘I wanna make sure you’re safe. Your dad might be a cop but you’re not, you didn’t sign up for this.’ His face looks slightly terrified.
‘Harris, I’ll be okay. I’m only on the periphery. We’re being careful. I’m more scared for you, right in the middle of it –’
‘Don’t be scared, okay? Once delivery is sorted, I’m done. If things feel too hot after this meeting, I’ll cut out, head back to Ouyen. I can always disappear to Melbourne for a bit.’
‘You could hide in my room for a few days,’ I suggest, twining my arms up around his neck.
‘Thanks.’ He snorts, spans his hands either side of my waist. ‘Your room, eh? What, under the bed?’
‘Inthe bed.’
He colours. ‘Shit, I’m sorry about the phone, we shouldna had to –’
I shut him up by kissing him, and he just…turns to liquid. His whole body melts under my hands. It’s shocking and thrilling at the same time. His stubble scrapes my skin, and he makes soft needy noises as we kiss, and my belly and breasts start tingling. Now I’m the one who can’t let go.
‘Amie.’
‘Mm.’
‘Amie… Amie, I have to…’ His voice is hoarse and his eyes are closed. I nuzzle his ear, and he whimpers. ‘Ah, god…’
I glimpse the clock on the dashboard and realise his twenty minutes has turned into five. That breaks the spell.
I push him back. ‘You have to go.’
‘I…what?’ He looks drunk. When I tap the clock display, he startles. ‘Oh shit.’
I open my door, grab my shoes out of the footwell, slide one leg out. God, I don’t want to go. And I don’t wanthimto go, especially not back into that world that only knows the fake side of him, the armoured side.
I cup his cheek in my hand. ‘Call me. About the delivery dates. But call me anyway. Let me know you’re all right.’
‘Okay.’ His exhale comes out shaky. ‘Okay. I will.’
‘I want to hear your voice.’
He laughs suddenly, breathless. ‘Will you get outta the car, please? Cos I haven’t got it in me to make you leave.’
