‘It was her blood pressure medication,’ Hansa says, wiping her forehead with a handkerchief, ‘which is what I’ve said before, that her medication needed adjustment. At least the doctor is listening now.’
I keep my voice low, outside the door to Nani’s room. ‘But it’s not just the medication, is it?’
Hansa glances at the door, looks back at me. ‘Let’s talk in the kitchen.’
When we get to the kitchen I sit on one of the stools near the bench, like I’ve done a thousand times before. This doesn’t feel like those times though. I clasp my fingers together as Hansa makes tea.
‘You’ve been worried about Nani, haven’t you?’ She collects two mugs. ‘I’ve been wanting to discuss this with you. I’m sorry we haven’t had the chance to talk before.’
I had this all planned out, the words I would use, the right calm tone. All that fails me now. It’s like my intestines have climbed up my throat to strangle my windpipe.
‘Is it Alzheimer’s? Is it…is it an aneurysm?’ My eyes get teary before I can stop myself. ‘You don’t have to hide it from me, I know it’s genetically linked –’
Hansa settles the mugs on the benchtop and clasps my hands. ‘It’s not an aneurysm, Amita. It’s nothing like that.’ She sits on the stool nearest mine. ‘Nani has always been a little dreamy, yes? Now she is dreaming of the people and things she’s always loved. She dreams them so hard and so well, they are starting to return to her. And she to them.’
Hansa must see the confusion on my face.
‘We give it medical names,’ she goes on. ‘Senility, dementia, regression – because we’re afraid of it. But it’s not an illness. It’s just old age.’ She studies her mug. ‘I hope I dream of the people I love when I get old. I hope I can dream them back to life with such certainty.’
My voice is halting. ‘But Nani’s going to need more care now.’
‘Yes,’ Hansa agrees. ‘And that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I’ve wondered for some time what we would do when Nani needed support. In this country, old people go into nursing homes, but you know that is not our way.’
She shifts on her stool, steadies her mug, as if she’s squaring up to do something more significant than just talk.
Her eyes are very serious. ‘I’ve been trying to think of a solution. It’s difficult, because I am the sole provider, so I need to work. Beena is still studying. And now Jasminder is married, her place is with her husband.’ She finally looks at me. ‘But you… Amita, you have more freedom. So I thought…I was wondering if you would like to become Nani’s companion.’
My mouth goes slack for a second. ‘Like a respite carer?’
My aunt shakes her head. ‘No, Amita. I was hoping you’d agree to live here, with Beena and me, and look after Nani day-to-day.’
‘I…’ I have to sit very still for a moment. The dizzy confusion of a minute ago has retreated, but now I’m feeling something else. ‘That’s a big thing, Mami. I’d have to leave Dad to live with you, and he’s not well, either.’
‘Yes,’ Hansa admits. ‘But you’d be here, in Mildura, so you would still be close to him.’
‘What about my job?’
‘You would have to give up your job in Ouyen, it’s true. But I could offer you a small wage for Nani’s care, and if you pursue your nursing training, you could complete it here, at Mallee Health. Would you consider it?’
Would I consider it?In the hallway I’d have said and done almost anything to keep Nani safe. Now I’m vacillating without really knowing why. My head feels like it’s been spun in a blender. ‘I-I’ll have to think about it, Mami. And I’ll have to talk to Dad.’ I look at the benchtop. ‘There’s other things, personal things…’
‘Nani told me you’ve met someone.’ Hansa angles her head to meet my eyes. ‘Is that true?’
I manage to keep my expression from falling apart. ‘It’s not… Nani might have given you the idea it’s more serious than it really is.’
Hansa colours. ‘Oh, well, if you have an attachment, I’m sure you’ll tell us about it eventually.’
When I go back down the hallway, I’m not intending to disturb Nani at all. Just a little peek to check she’s still here, still breathing. But naturally she’s onto me like a shot.
‘Come in, child, don’t lurk in the doorway.’ Her silver hair is loose, fluffed around her face. How did she get sooldall of a sudden? She waves away my apology with one bird-fine hand, makes me sit on the side of her bed, gets me to find her glasses. ‘You look worried, dearest. Are you all right?’
‘AmIall right?’ I laugh, but the laugh sounds a bit hysterical, so I swallow it back down. Am I all right? I don’t know. I’m still hurt. I can’t think about Harris at all, and my insides feel bruised.
‘I’ve been worried about you,’ I say, which is both the truth and the only thing I can say.
‘Well, that is a foolish thing to worry about,’ Nani says, fussing with the glasses chain.
‘I still do it.’
