I cleared my throat—to banish my own ghastly images—then went back to the letter.
My friend, Freddy C (we call him that because there are two Freds in my platoon), is better than a brother. We look out for each other. He saved me from a venomous snake bite the other day. The rascal had curled up inside my boot looking for a dark warm smelly spot, ha ha! Freddy C reminded me to shake it out before I put it on. Otherwise, I’d have met my Maker from a snake bite. That sounds like a better way to go than having my head blown off, if you want to know the truth.
In your last letter, you told me you stay up at night worrying about me. Please try not to. Maybe I’llcome out better for being here. I have a lot I want to do for mankind when I’m free again.
Gotta go. They’re coming for the mail now. I’ll write more later. As always, thanks for your prayers.
Peace and Love,
Ron
Livy’s knuckles had turned white from gripping the steering wheel. “None of that surprises me. But hearing it straight from Ronny makes it so much worse.” She glanced over, thrusting her cigarette toward me. “By the way, you arenotresponsible for him being there.”
Iwasresponsible. And she knew it.
Returning my gaze to the window, I happened to catch the sign welcoming us to Pennsylvania. Several seconds passed before I answered. “I was such an idiot. I can’t believe I left my diary on my bed. With the key in the lock. I knew better.” Biting my bottom lip until it hurt, I grew disgusted with myself all over again. “I still don’t know if it was Dad who read it or Mama. I thought diaries were supposed to be sacred.”
“They are sacred. My parents would never read mine.” Livy stubbed her cig in the ashtray. “Did you ever learn who the girl was?”
“He refused to tell me.”
“Would it make any difference now?”
With a long sigh, I pressed my fingers into my temples. “I think I’m just looking for someone else to share the blame.”
Livy reached over and squeezed my knee. “It’s not your fault. You have to forgive yourself.”
A small shrug was my response to that. “We’re supposed to wait for marriage to haverelations.” I overemphasized the wordrelations. “The Bible says it’s a sin to have sex before marriage. That’s why Dad got so mad. He told Ron he’d burn in hell for what he did.”
“The Bible was written a loooong time ago. Times have changed.”
Her comment made me think of Mama’s tattered Bible, which made me think of something else. I blurted it out without thinking. “I could have sworn I smelled alcohol on Mama’s breath the night I left.”
“Duh. She has to cope somehow. Between her son in Vietnam and her psycho husband? I’d be a lush too.”
“She’s not a lush, Livy!” I said, fury rising. “I’ve never seen my mother take a single drink. Not once in my entire life.”
“With all the church rules in your house? She’s forced to hide it. I bet it’s vodka. Not as noticeable.”
Could Livy be right? Had Mama been drinking vodka to cope with how much meaner Dad had become? And with the pain of missing Ron? “If the church ever found out, or if Dad ever found—”
“Our family goes to church, but they don’t tell us we can’t drink. It was Jesus who turned water into wine.” She gaped at me withWhat the hell?written all over her face.
I didn’t respond.
“Where in the Bible does it say you can’t drink? Or listen to rock music, or dance to your favorite song?”
This time I gave her a big shrug.
“Why is your church like that?”
Now I was defensive. There were plenty of good things about my church. “I don’t know, Livy. It’s the only church I’ve ever been to.” She was flat getting on my nerves. I decided to block out her know-it-all voice by humming “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.”Loudly.
But Dad’s vicious voice boomed even louder in my mind. I started obsessing over what he’d done the night I ran away. I hated him now more than ever. Part of me wanted to tell Livy what had happened, but I knew it would just lead to another lecture I didn’t want to hear. “I don’t think you understand how hard it was for me and Ron to grow up the way we did. It’s the reason I’m ... me. I can’t help it, Livy.” I couldn’t meet her eyes; the shame about Dad and my unworldliness was too much to bear.
“I do understand,” she said in a much sweeter voice. “I was there.”
“No, you weren’t! Dad’s gotten much worse since you and Ron left. I’m only allowed to spend the night at Penny’s house because her family goes to our church. Even when I’m homefrom college! I’m required to be in the front door by eleven o’clock, and music is a thing of the past. Never mind that I’m twenty years old! I. Have. No. Life!”
