All I could do was offer a shy wave. And a tight-lipped grin. An empty pain gripped my stomach.
“I didn’t know you guys were coming,” said Leon.
“It was my idea,” Shelly’s twin told him. Her tart New York accent puckered my nerves.
Shelly looked straight at me but asked Leon the question: “Who’s your friend?”
He gestured to each of us as he made the awkward introduction. “This is Suzie. Suzie, meet Shelly and Sarah. That’s a lot ofS’s.”
I heard the discomfort in his voice.
While the three of us managed an exchange of weakhellos, all I could think about was how much the twins looked like Livy. And how gorgeous they were. And how I’d been trailing behind Livy’s gorgeous shadow my whole life. I couldn’t do it anymore.
I reminisced on the last few hours of our time together in the butterfly meadow. For me, they were the most magical hours of my life.For Leon, they were nothing special. The girl, the gorgeous girl, with whom he had most likely lost his virginity was standing in front of him. They would always share that special bond.
I took a step backward.I can’t do this.
“We tried to get here yesterday, but the cops told us they weren’t letting anyone else in,” Sarah said. “We had to spend the night in Poughkeepsie.”
Shelly’s eyes sparkled like two stars in a midnight sky. “We heard the Who was outta sight!” The Who. Shelly knew it was Leon’s favorite band.
As I listened to them ramble on with idle conversation, the situation became crystal clear. I wasn’t the kind of girl he found attractive. He may have told me I was beautiful, but that was a lie. He only wanted a weekend fling, a way to get in a girl’s pants. I thought maybe I’d found someone different, a boy who liked me for me. He had me convinced he liked me just the way I was. He had told me he couldn’t believe that out of all the hundreds of thousands of people at Woodstock, he got to meet me. That was pure unadulterated bullshit.
I will not fight for someone who’s interested in drop-dead-gorgeous, complicated girls like Livy. I won’t.
While Leon and the twins prattled, I took another step backward, silently thanking God for protecting me. I told him I was sorry for the bad things I’d done and I’d try my best to do better. I especially thanked him for helping me to remember Livy’s wise words about birth control. Not going all the way with Leon was the best decision of my life. How many other girls had he coaxed into removing their clothes?
I had thought I could trust him, but I was wrong.
I took a third step backward. When a tall dude strolled past, I positioned myself next to him, matching his stride. We walked together for several yards, as if we were a Woodstock couple. Step by step I followed along with him until I was sure I had melded into the massive crowd.
I never looked back to see if Leon had noticed I was gone. Or if he was searching around frantically. It would have hurt too much to learn he wasn’t.
Woodstock
Day Three
Sunday, August 17, 1969
2:00 p.m.
“Our Father, who art in heaven. Hallowed be thy name ...”
God, please, please forgive me for going too far with Leon. And for lying. And for smoking pot. If you’ll see me through this, I’ll never do anything bad again. I swear.
Picking up my pace, I sped through the crowd. With expert footwork I managed to dodge all the happy people strolling around aimlessly, like they hadn’t a care in the world. Like their hearts hadn’t been shattered into a trillion pieces. Couples—the only people who caught my eye—were holding hands, snuggling necks, lying on top of one another, making out in the sunshine. Every couple I passed gazed into one another’s eyes as if they were madly in love. Like me.
My head spun like a top out of control, whirling into a vortex of confusion.Where do I go? What do I do?With no inkling, I stumbled past smoldering campfires, abandoned coolers, and piles of muddy clothes and blankets. When I tripped on a flashlight hiding in the mud, something dawned on me. The Woodstock aura I’d grown to love—grown to crave—had vanished. The beauty I’d seen with Leononly minutes prior had mutated into a wasteland of stink, sludge, and filth. For the first time since my arrival, Woodstock looked ugly. All I wanted to do was go home.
But I didn’t have a home.
You will not cry; you will not cry.If time could be reversed, I’d beg Leon to ignore Chip’s page. Come to think of it, he’d wanted to ignore it. It was me who had encouraged him, leading him straight into Shelly’s arms.
What a stupid imbecile.
As the audience welcomed an unknown Joe Cocker with a deafening roar, I searched for Slim and Dave; tie-dyed-skirt girl, Anne Marie; any familiar face. I even looked for Livy. I missed her in that moment. If I could have spotted her movie-star mug, I would have forgiven her for everything.Almosteverything.
Having no luck, I wormed my way back into the nameless crowd, determined to find another spot near the front. No one stopped me. I pretended as if I knew right where I was going.
