“Why don’t you come inside? It’s cold out here.” I reach my arm across her shoulder, guide her into my apartment. After offering her my seat on the couch. I take the chair.
Before I say a word I hand her the box of tissues I keep on the end table. She removes a few and nods in thanks. I lean toward her. “Mrs. Whitmore, you have been given a special gift. Do you realize that?”
She lightly shakes her head no.
“Some people go their whole lives with their eyes closed. They live in darkness and never see light. They never see the error of their ways. And they sure don’t admit it.” I take a chance, put my hand on her knee. I’m half expecting her to draw away, but she leans in closer. “You have done a difficult thing. I appreciate you coming to talk with me. From the bottom of my heart I thank you.”
“Will… will you please call me Lilith?”
Now we’re getting somewhere. “Sure I will.”
“Pearl?” She says, with her eyes on mine. “Would you allow me the honor of pinning you?”
I nod, feel my own tears stinging the backs of my eyes. Fifteen minutes ago, when I heard her knock, my heart was full of anger and resentment. Thank you, Lord, I wasn’t too stubborn to open the door.
“Thank you,” she says. “Let’s stand up, please.”
Once we’ve both pushed ourselves up she takes the box from my hand. She removes the pin and places it in the palm of hers. With trembling fingers she touches each of the symbols. She glances at me, tries to smile, but she can’t do it. “The quill is our symbol of truth and the quest to obtain it.” She hesitates, takes a deep breath. “The white rose represents our sympathy toward one another in times of need or hardship. And, finally”—she holds my gaze—“the pearls symbolize love, perfection, and purity.”
I smile at her. And so does my heart.
“When an Alpha Delta Beta is pinned, it’s a symbol of her love, devotion, and never-ending friendship with her sisters.”
Now her hands are steady. She reaches out, pushes her tiny gold pin through a pinch of my sweater, and clasps it softly. She does the same with the quill, hanging from a small gold chain. Then that lady wraps her arms around me like I’m a member of her family. The resentment I’ve been harboring melts away, as if my heart has been placed in a hot oven and the dirt and grime have seeped out into the pan. But when she pulls back she hangs her head like heavy bricks of shame have been reattached to her shoulders. Her chin is quivering.
I reach out to touch her arm. “What’s wrong now?”
She won’t look at me, just talks to the floor. “I can’t help thinking about initiation in December. I won’t get to pin my own daughter. She’ll never be able to forgive me.”
“That’s not true, Lilith. When she sees the change in you, she’ll come around.”
“Not after what I’ve done.” Her sobs return.
For the first time I feel her pain. Because of a choice she has lost her only daughter, the very essence of her heart and soul. “Raise up your head, Lilith. There’s something I want to tell you.” As she lifts her gaze her poor little ol’ face looks like she’s been inside a torture chamber. Not wanting her to look away, I make sure to lock my eyes onto hers. “I’ve done plenty of things I’m not proud of.”
“You mean you’re not perfect?”
Now she’s got me tickled. “No, ma’am. Far from it.”
A forced grin is all she can muster.
“I’ma tell you something else I know. Your daughterwillforgive you.”
“After what I’ve done?” She shakes her head. “No way.”
“Yes, she will.”
“How do you know?”
My mind drifts back to Aunt Fee and all the times she and Mama told me those very words. Slowly I lift my arm, show her my tattoo.
“What does it mean?”
“It means: I have been forgiven.”
“What haveyoudone? Everyone loves you.”
A lump springs in the back of my throat. When I open my mouth to answer words won’t come. So I have to force myself to speak. “I gave up my own flesh and blood. An innocent baby girl—to a couple up in Memphis I didn’t even know. It was selfish. But I know the good Lord forgives me and she does, too.”
