“Yes, ma’am, but not by death.” Okay, so I’ve admitted it to someone on campus. Now what?
“How did you lose her, baby?” Miss Pearl’s voice overflows with tenderness.
I close my eyes, take a deep breath, then dive straight in. “She left me. When I was five. I haven’t told any of my friends here about it. I’m not sure they could relate. They don’t seem to have problems.”
When she laughs out loud I’m a little confused. But then she says, “Might not seem like it, but there are all kinds of problems in this House. I don’t mean to laugh. I just know what I’m talking about.”
I smile, zip my cross again. “Maybe you’re right.”
“I’m right. You can trust me on that. Do you remember your mama?”
“Oh yeah. She still comes in and out of my life. She lives in‘Sunny California’now.” I sit up straight and mimic the way she says it. “The last time I saw her was about”—I look off, trying to calculate the timeline—“two years ago when she showed up at our house with her drug-dealer boyfriend. They wanted money. But my grandmother told her no. It was hard on my grandfather because he misses her so much. He wanted her to stay, but my grandmother is strong. She wouldn’t let her.” My honesty surprises me. But it’s easy to be truthful with Miss Pearl.
“That’s hard on you, I know.”
“Yes, ma’am,” I say with a sigh. “It was bad. I could tell she was using when I saw her grinding her teeth. Well, what teeth she has left. She got addicted to drugs about twelve years ago. Meth is a problem near my hometown.” When Miss Pearl grimaces I’m afraid I’ve overshared. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to give you all the gory details. Especially with all you’re going through.” I bury my face in my hands.
“Cali,” she says, gently removing my hands. “Didn’t Sarah tell you I’m the in-house therapist? Nothing shocks me, baby.”
“Yes, but I’m so embarrassed by her.” The mere thought of my mother is revolting. “I just wish I could be a normal girl in a normal family.”
“What’s normal? You think these girls here are all normal?”
I shrug.
“Shoot.”
Now she’s made me laugh.
“Tell me about your daddy. Is he in the picture?”
As tight as it is in here I can lean back against the shelves, so I do. “I have no idea who the man is.” It actually feels good to let that one out. And to support my back.
“That’s okay. I only met mine a few times.”
“Really?”
Miss Pearl nods her head tenderly.
It comforts me enough to tell her more. “To be perfectly honest with you, I wish my mother had given me up for adoption. Then I wouldn’t have to know the bitter truth about her or my father.”
A harsh look, erupting out of nowhere, replaces the tender face that only moments earlier had been kind and consoling. It’s not mean, necessarily, just strong. And it takes me by surprise, because until now Miss Pearl has been so gentle. “Don’t say that, baby,” she says, in a commanding voice.
I drop my head. She can tell I’m hurt because she says, in a gentler tone, “Think about it from the other side. Suppose you had grown up never knowing who your mama is? Wouldn’t you feel worse? Wouldn’t there be a sinkhole in your heart you couldn’t close no matter how hard you tried?”
“I haven’t thought about it that way,” I say, my heart still stinging. “I see your point. But…” My voice rises. “At least I wouldn’t have to know the truth. My own mother doesn’t give two shits about me.” I touch her on the leg. “Sorry for the swear.”
“Come here, baby.” Miss Pearl pulls me into her chest. “That’s not true. Even though your mama’s on the wrong track right now, it doesn’t mean she don’t love you. Trust me. I know what I’m talking about. You’re always in her heart.”
“I seriously doubt that,” I say, my chin on her shoulder. “Mothers don’t abandon their children if they really love them.” The way she’s hugging me makes tears well up in my eyes. It feels good to be held by her. So much so, I imagine for a moment she’s my mother.
Although I’m not ready for her to do so, Miss Pearl lets go and looks me in the eye. “Cali. I’ma tell you something I don’t tell very often. There are only a few people living who know this about me.” After a really long pause, she says, “I gave my baby girl up for adoption.”
My mouth falls open.
Now Miss Pearl’s eyes are pooling with tears. “When I was exactly your age.”
“Eighteen?”
