She didn’t know what his fantasies were.
They didn’t talk about sex. They just had it. Since he seemed to like having it, she’d never had reason to believe it wasn’t satisfying for him.
She’d never considered if it was satisfying for her. It was often fine, and she really didn’t mind it. They did pretty good, she’d thought, all things considered.
They had gone from kissing chastely to their wedding night, which had been like going from walking slowly down a country road to getting into a speeding car and careening around corners at a hundred miles per hour.
Anything she knew about sex she had learned from him. And neither of them knew anything. Because they weren’t supposed to know anything about sex before they got married. Because they weresupposedto keep their thoughts pure. So she had gone from very much keeping her thoughts on whatever was pure to having to figure out what to do with a naked man, and that was a difficult thing to do.
How could it beherfailing?
How could it be her failing when they had been in the exact same position? Why did he know more about what he wanted? It meant hewasn’t doing what they’d been commanded to. It meant that he was ... If he had information she didn’t, then he had come by it during their marriage. He had come by it keeping secrets.
Alone at night in her bed, her thoughts spun around in circles, eating their own tails. Alone at night, she blamed herself. Of course she did. She wondered why she wasn’t pretty enough. She wondered why her life hadn’t divinely worked out the way she’d been sure it was ordained to, since she had done everything right. Had done everything to earn blessings. A perfect, easy marriage, because she’d had that good godly sexuality with her husband. Because she had given herself to him—after marriage and only to him—just like she was supposed to.
But with Kristi staring at her like this, she could not accept the blame. Watching another woman verbally absolve David of any wrongdoing. Hearing what she’d said to Nora parroted back to her ...
It didn’t sound so reasonable when she wasn’t the one saying it.
In fact, it felt entirely unfair.
“As wives, we need to be in tune with our husbands,” Kristi said.
“It sounds to me like you’re in tune with my husband,” Soraya returned. “Does your husband know he was texting you? Because texting David is a risk.”
“Soraya.” Kristi’s cheeks turned red. “I’m satisfied in my marriage. My husband is satisfied with me. He has nothing to worry about.”
“That’s what I thought too. Until recently.”
She was feeding into this, and she knew it. By continuing to go to church with him. She wasn’t making a definitive enough stand. He had asked for her back, but he’d never admitted wrongdoing. It was all defensiveness. It was all this:I was tempted.The undertone of it all was:You aren’t enough.
No. He was going to have to actually repent. It couldn’t simply be excuses wrapped up in blame. She was going to stand firm on that.
If that was a sin, then ...
Maybe she didn’t know God as well as she thought. Or maybe they didn’t. Because suddenly there were all these endless excuses being made when a man did something that was expressly forbidden.
She didn’t think she was the one who was wrong.
She just didn’t.
“You don’t have a job, Soraya. David has been a good husband. A provider. He made a mistake. But he’s the one who takes care of you. He takes care of your boys. What are you going to do without him?”
The words sounded like a threat. A prophecy.
You’re nothing, and he’s everything. What will you have left if you leave him?
“I’m going to get a job,” she said, in defiance of both Kristi and the voice in her head that called her nothing.
She thought of that store, the one she’d been scared to stand in earlier. Suddenly, she wanted to go back to it. Suddenly, she wanted to be there. She wanted to do something no one would expect.
Because apparently David could have virtual affairs, and she was expected to forgive him just because it wasn’t physical. Just because ... because he was a man? Because she was expected to be endlessly understanding of the temptations men faced?
Because she didn’t have a choice.
She was going to show them that she did, in fact, have choices.
“Soraya,” Kristi said slowly. “We all prayed for you at the church staff meeting earlier.”
