“I didn’t cry for Ben,” she whispered in his ear.
She needed him to know that. That this was different for her in every way. That he wasn’t second place. He’d been the first, the deepest, and she hadn’t been able to handle it when she was younger. She could handle it now.
He collapsed beside her, touching her cheekbone, drawing his thumb down to her lips. It was Sam who was touching her. Sam who was naked beside her. Sam.
“I’ve never cried for anyone, Nora. Not anyone but you.”
“I was really afraid of this. Like people are scared of the plague or plane crashes.”
“Are people scared of the plague?”
“Prairie dogs carry plague. It’s not eradicated.”
“Okay,” he said, his hand on her face. “You’re very you.”
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t know. Except that I wanted you for most of my life. I’ve loved you for most of my life, but ... I was afraid that if it happened, you would turn into someone else. It would be like every other relationship I’ve ever tried to have, which wasn’t good.”
“I have to wonder if maybe our relationships haven’t worked out because we were waiting for this one.” She took a deep, shaking breath. “You’ve always been a nonnegotiable. The most important person in my life. I made sure Ben knew you were a package deal with me. I know that when I married him, it compromised us.”
“I couldn’t go to your wedding because I couldn’t watch you marry somebody else. I could watch you date other guys. Sleep with them, whatever you needed to do. But not marry them. I knew what you wanted. You wanted somebody normal. You wanted somebody who understood family. I wanted to want that for you. I wanted to be okay with it, because I knew I couldn’t be that. But I wasn’t. I was so pissed off, Nora. I wanted you to marry me.”
Sorrow cracked her chest open. She’d hurt him. This man she loved with all her heart, she’d hurt him because she’d been trying so hard to protect herself.
“I’ve seen myself as nothing other than an agent of destruction for most of my life. The kind of person who alienates everyone around them. What you and I had worked. It worked, and so I didn’t want to change it. I didn’t want to disturb it. I was attracted to you, but thatseemed unimportant in the face of what we were. You were everything to me. You’re right. I’ve been a coward.”
“I was too. I should’ve said something before you married Ben. I let that happen.”
“I wouldn’t have been able to do it then.” She shook her head. “I’m too stubborn. Ben was like a trophy. A trophy that said I won at keeping our friendship safe. That I never gave in to any of the moments of tension between us. I never let myself fantasize about you even though I wanted to. But I kept it formless, hovering at the edges of my consciousness rather than ever really admitting I wanted you. I wanted to keep myself safe. But wouldn’t you know it, life is just one endless gauntlet of danger. One after the other. When you choose yourself, you just become like my mother. Like my grandmother. I choose you. I would love to say that it should’ve happened a long time ago, but I think it had to be now, because I’ve never felt stronger or more sure of what I want. I’m sorry it had to take this long to get here, but that really is a testament to all the absolute shit we went through.”
He wrapped his arms around her and held her close. “I know I wouldn’t have known how to make things good with us. Not without time and therapy and the years I’ve spent figuring out what a stable life looks like. I do know that. But you know that day you got out the Ouija board and asked if you would find love? I was mad because you already had it. But I couldn’t say that, so I was an asshole to you, and I hurt your feelings. That was the only way I knew how to express anything back then. So I guess you’re right.”
“Really? You didn’t think I was dumb?”
“I thought you were dumb because I thought it was pretty fucking obvious that I loved you.”
“We were kids.”
He nodded. “Yeah. We were. Can you imagine the kind of disaster we would’ve been then?”
“We would’ve just repeated some of the same cycles.”
“Yeah. We would have.” He paused for a moment. “Or not. I didn’t manipulate the answer, Nora. That was all you. I think you might have been magic all the way back then.”
Magic.
She’d been magic all along.
She’d never felt magic even once, though she did right now.
Time could be an enemy. It stole a lot of things. It would be easy to look at time as a thief in their relationship, but she was pretty sure it was actually the ultimate gift giver.
They’d become who they needed to be to meet this moment. To know what to do with a love the size and intensity of theirs.
“I was just so afraid,” she said. “I didn’t feel like I was good enough. Not for you, not for anyone. I didn’t want to be with someone who knew everything about me. But now it feels like a gift. You know why I’m ... me. You’re the only one who really knows how hurt I was by everything, how much I just wanted somebody to love me.”
“You’ve had it. All these years. You never had to earn it. I took one look at you, and I fell. I could never be in another relationship because they weren’t you. Everything I did was to try and become a man that you could see yourself with.”
