I am allowed to have joy.
I am allowed to have pleasure.
I am allowed to live.
I am the embodiment of all that is beautiful.
And so it is.
—A spell for claiming your confidence
Soraya thought she could do one better than texting Declan. Instead, she decided to bring both boys down to the store.
Maybe the newfound confidence was from the tea, or from the night she’d spent with Daisy and Nora, screaming and jumping into freezing water and dancing in front of the fire like pagans. Or just like women who had no one to impress, no more shame and nothing to lose.
Maybe it was having the kids back.
Maybe it was everything.
She felt grounded in who she was now. In what she wanted.
“This is cool,” Jaden said as he touched a large sword mounted in a display. “I thought you didn’t likeDungeons & Dragons.”
“Well, I’m changing my mind about some things. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you playing a game. Even if it does have magic in it.”
“Are you trying to be the cool parent?” Levi asked.
“Excuse me?”
“I just mean, because we were ... because we weren’t being nice to you, are you trying to be cooler than Dad?”
“No. I’m trying to be myself. I’m still figuring out what that looks like.” She looked around, glad that, for the moment, Declan wasn’t in the front of the store. “I’m trying to unlearn some beliefs I don’t think are good anymore.” She took a deep breath. “I was really hurt that you sided with Dad, but I helped teach you the rules that made me into the bad guy in all this. I don’t believe it anymore. I don’t believe that a woman has to do everything her husband says, that she has to forgive everything, and endure everything, for the sake of the marriage.”
She put a hand on her son’s shoulder. “I don’t wantyouto believe it. I want you to be able to be a better partner for whoever you end up with. I want you to respect them more. I’m not trying to say anything awful about your father, but you know what happened. Everyone does. He was never honest with me about who he was. Or what he wanted. There was nothing I could do better if he didn’t talk to me. But all that, him, what he wants, that’s up to him to figure out now. I don’t want to be married to him anymore. I think I’ve changed too much. I can’t forgive him. I hope that you do. I don’t want you to hate either of us. He’s your dad.”
“But you’re supposed to just know everything,” Levi said.
“Why?” she asked.
“Because you’re an adult.”
“You’re in for a disappointing time if you think that’s how it works, my love. I’m sorry. In fact, I feel like I know less now than I did when I was your age.”
“Can I help you find anything?”
Her heart hit her breastbone so hard she thought she might faint.
She’d seen that man naked, and now he was simply standing there behind the counter, looking at her like she was a normal, everyday customer he hadn’t been inside of.
“We’re just looking around.” Her throat was dry and scratchy. “I don’t know anything about games like this.”
“We do run monthlyDungeons & Dragonscampaigns. If they want to sign up.”
“I might.” Jaden looked a little shamefaced, but obviously not shamed enough to let the opportunity pass him up.
“I don’t know about that.” Levi pulled a face.
She cleared her throat. “Jaden, Levi, this is Declan. He lives across the hall.”
