The responsible thing. The idea of being single didn’t particularly make her feelresponsible. It made her feel sad, not because she couldn’t be alone. If she had to choose between Jonathan and being alone, she’d choose alone every time.
Zach had nothing to do with a fear of being single.
He made her feel wild. He made her feel beautiful. He made her feel like she didn’t have to perform endless chores and tasks to keep him happy or satisfied. He just seemed happy and satisfied to be with her. He was funny, which she hadn’t really expected, because she had been led to believe that when men were handsome, they often didn’t hone their personalities to go along with it. But he certainly had.
“Do you want me to go with you?” he asked.
Her face must have given away her obvious hesitance.
The look he gave her was hard, and she couldn’t quite parse the meaning of it. “Youstillwant to keep this a secret?”
“I ...” It wasn’t so much about the moral high ground anymore. It felt like unnecessary chaos for her to have him show up in Jonathan’s driveway. “It’s not a secret. The kids know that you’re here.”
“It’s not like you’ve kissed me in front of them.”
“I know. But they might say that Mommy had a friend spend the night. They might not know what that means, but Jonathan will. I mean, he’d have to actually pay attention, but I think at a certain point even he’ll put it together.”
“Fair.”
“I am willing to risk that. He’s moved on. I’m not pretending I’m not capable of having other relationships.”
“Other relationships.” He frowned.
“You know what I mean.”
“I think you’re trying to minimize this, Daisy.”
“I’m not,” she said, a little bit of panic making her heart beat faster. “I’m really not. But you know, when I storm the office and tell him you sold me the business, I didn’t think you’d want to be with me, standing right there.”
“Wrong, actually. I would love nothing more than to watch and then let him know that I’m fucking you better than he ever did.”
Her mouth went dry. It was true, but it was cruel, and Zach seemed to delight in that. She could see why he would, and frankly that was one of the things she was avoiding. Flaunting her extremely hot lover seemed like a petty move. Maybe part of her was avoiding turning him into something petty. Because he didn’t feel insubstantial, and he certainly didn’t feel like revenge.
“I get why I would want to do that. But why do you?”
“Because he didn’t appreciate you. He had you, Daisy, and he cheated on you. I don’t know Amberly, but she’s young. I can’t imagine she’s even half as interesting as you are.”
“I’m not sure if you know this, but generally speaking, when men cheat on their wives with younger women, it’s not because those younger women are more interesting.”
“Daisy, maybe it’s because I had an experience where I could have any woman I wanted.”
“This is weird.” She moved away from him.
“I’m not going to pretend that didn’t happen. I’m not going to pretend I handled that differently than I did. When the show was popular, it was whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. You can gorge yourself on sex, but the thing is, it’s like anything else. You’re just hungry again when it’s over, and just like when you’re indulging in too many things that are bad for you, you kind of feel sick. It doesn’t satisfy you. It doesn’t fill the ache inside of you. It’s been twenty years, and until I met you, I didn’t understand what the drive was. What I was actually looking for.”
“You can’t mean that,” she said.
“I do. The problem was, you were married. And now you’re not.”
“I’m still not divorced.”
“Doesn’t matter. You’re in my bed and not his. Yes, I wanted you, so it’s perverse that I’m mad he fumbled you. But I’m mad that he did that because he hurt you, and you didn’t deserve that. You deserve to be treated like something precious, because that’s what you are. I watched the way you cared for everybody. Everybody who ever came into contact with you. Whether it was me, him, other random guys on the construction crew. His parents, your parents, your grandmother. Your kids.”
“If that’s what you like about me, then that might be a problem, because I’m kind of tired.”
“You don’t get it. I didn’t look at you and think I wanted you to do that for me. I thought it was amazing how many people you were there for, and I felt like no one was doing the same for you. Not with that same amount of energy. I just wanted to take care of you. And be inside you. I can’t say it was all chivalrous.”
“That’s good, because I can’t say I want all chivalry all the time.”
