Grant was a really great guy. If there ever was a man I could coparent with, it would be him.
Maddie reached to put her hand on mine across the granite island. “What would Dear Desiree say?”
“Oh, I know exactly what she’d say. People write to her about things like this all the time.” I massaged my temples. “Probably to have it and bleed Grant dry in child support. She’s a bit combative when it comes to this subject. I would never do that to him.”
How would that even work? Having a baby with Grant? He was always so busy with work. And he’d just taken a position in Minnesota. He wouldn’t evenbehere.
His words from the last time we’d hooked up echoed in my head.
“I’m too busy finding the cure to cancer to have a life.”
A child would monopolize his time, resources, and mental capacity. I knew, because I worked with fifteen of them every day in close quarters. Was it fair to spring this on him?
Is it fair to give this up only because he might not want to be involved with the child’s life?
“Am I crazy to want this?” I asked my friend. “Because you’re right. A part of me does want to keep it. And I actually have the privilege to make this work, with or without Grant.”
My parents lived in a good-size house in Hoboken. I could move in with them for the first couple of years. They could help me. I could take my maternity leave for six months. Maybe even stretch it into a year. I’d worked at my current preschool for five years now and had a decent salary and health insurance. I could move back home, commute from Jersey, save up to buy myself a small house.
I mean, logistically, it was doable.
“No, you’re not crazy.” Mad’s eyes were glistening with tears. “Heck, you coparent Ronan, and he’s not even yours. I think you’ve wanted this for a long time subconsciously. You love children too much to not have one of your own. You just didn’t want to do this with someone else because of Connor.”
I nodded. Maddie knew the whole story with my ex. Including the part about our disastrous reunion five weeks ago.
“It’s going to be so hard.”
“You love hard things,” Maddie pointed out with a grin. We both snorted. “Besides, the universe never gives you more than you can handle.”
“Well, that’s a load of bologna. Hey, universe”—I looked around the lavish penthouse, addressing the air—“thanks for the vote of confidence, but you totally miscalculated.”
“You need to tell Grant.” She leaned in to put a hand on my shoulder. “He has the right to know.”
I moaned into my palms. “I’m so embarrassed. This all sounds like a bad16 and Pregnantepisode.”
“Those things do happen, even to levelheaded people,” Maddie said conversationally. “I agree, it’s not going to be the most comfortable conversation. Still, he needs to know.”
“He is going to hate me.”
“Pretty sure he’s incapable of doingthat.” Maddie patted my hand reassuringly. “He adores you.”
Yes. Of course he did. I was an easy lay and a good companion to pass the time with, someone who didn’t require him to put in any kind of effort. He didn’t have to take me out on dates, buy me gifts, or invest any time, emotions, or money in me. It was one thing to have casual sex. I was positive he didn’t want more than that, though.
“Uh-huh. What’s going on inside that head of yours?” Maddie’s eyes tapered. “I can tell you’re overthinking.”
“Maybe I’m just having FOMO.” I tucked my hair behind my ear. “Maybe having a kid is a bad idea after all. I mean, I’ll have to give up my apartment, because a baby won’t fit in there. It’s agreatlocation. Move back in with my parents ... and those long, sleepless nights.” I munched on my lower lip. “I wish God could give me a sign. Or, you know, a million dollars to make the decision easier.”
Maddie was opening her mouth to say something just as my godson careened out of the foyer, chased by the tall, dark, and handsome male au pair. Ronan jumped into my arms in a fit of giggles, his laughter trickling straight into the pit of my stomach.
“Auntie Layla, Auntie Layla, look, I stole Vinnie’s nose. It’s in my fist.” He held his curled hand up to my face. It was pinched tight, his thumb poking out. I gently stroked strings of dark hair away from his forehead, beaming down at him. He was so precious and sweet. So faultless. He grinned and added, “I missed you!”
Something inside me ached and unfurled.
Ronan was my sign.
I wanted this. I wanted someone to call my own. Someone to pour all my love and devotion into. Someone to watch grow. To take vacations with. To spend the holidays with. A family of my own.
Jesus. I was really going to do it.
